A Little Honesty...

In our Sunday School Class, we have started a series of lessons on Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now." I have not read it, so as you read this post, please realize that it comes from someone who is mostly ignorant on what the book actually says. I only know of its ideas from other people who have read this book and the series that I mentioned. So, if you think the book is great and whole-heartedly believe it, then you should probably stop reading now. I am in a "hurting place" today and I think most of it is written to make Americans feel okay about themselves and their greed. I have to make this point first, I respect and admire the teachers that are presenting this study in our class. It is because of them that I haven't just thrown up my hands and decided to skip Sunday School for six weeks. I am trying to have an open mind and looking for what God may be telling me through them. In the three weeks since they have started talking about this (I admit, we did miss one week because we were at Family Camp), I spend most of the class trying not to cry and leave feeling incredibly burdened. It's hard to hear people talk about praying for a good parking space, and getting one, when most of your prayers are desperate pleas for God to take away your cancer, to give you a few more years to see your children grow up a little more, to ease the pain of your husband and children and parents if you do die. People who have cancer die of cancer. It may not be tomorrow or next year, but people with cancer do not live to see a ripe old age.I want to believe that God wants to pour out His favor on me, but it is so hard to find the favor when everyday is a struggle to be joyful and hopeful. Sometimes I feel like I am clinging to the edge of hope by my fingers and when I just can't hang on anymore, I'll fall into utter despair. I hold on with everything I have for Brad and Eli and Phoebe. Daily I pray for God to give me His hope, but so often I feel like I have to make myself feel it. Then we go to Sunday School where we hear to "be positive", to "make today the day for your 'someday' statements", "you have to be specific about all your goals so you can make them", and my favorite, "Look for God's favor upon you this week." I got a pretty bad sunburn on Monday at the pool because the Gleevec makes my skin very photosensitive. Monday night, the Gleevec made my back, hips, and legs ache so badly that I had to take prescription pain killer to get to sleep. Yesterday we learned that Phoebe has a hole in her heart that will require surgery when she's two. I cannot claim to know the heart or plans of God, but it was pretty hard to hear. I am just not seeing the "favor." Now most of this sounds very ungrateful. God has blessed us through all this mess. We have been showered with love and prayers. I have an uncle who writes me almost every week, just to say that he and my aunt are praying for me everyday. My side effects to Gleevec are pretty mild...I can mostly function (I say mostly because I have been expereincing some pretty heavy fatigue this last week). Our medical bills are not overwhelming us because Brad has a great new job. There are a hundred blessings, but it's hard to see them through the hurt. I don't feel like we are alone. I don't know anyone who isn't hurting in one way or another. I wonder if all of this "Best Life Now" stuff sounds shrill and hollow to them as well? More than likely, my attitude about the whole thing reveals more about me than about Joel Osteen and his book. But, this is my blog and I can write what I want. :)