Brad is blogging for me again since I'm still reeling with what we've been through and it hurts my shoulder a bit to type. To tell the truth, I'm a little nervous to put all this info out there because I'm a little embarrassed by it. (I'll post about that in the next day or so.) However, I feel like maybe it's a way to be more authentic and show the "real" me instead of this blog being the "highlight reel" to portray my "perfect life". I'll warn you now: it's a long post. My hubby has lots of words! :)
We rolled out of the ER and into room 20 of the CCU about 1:00 a.m. Another round of intake questions were asked and answered again. More assessing and prodding and by 2:00 a.m. it was time to sleep. Jordan was on some IV pain killers and was resting peacefully. The nurses brought me a recliner and I settled into it for a night of sleep next to Jordan's hospital bed. Unfortunately, I am all too versed in this.
Sunday morning was upon us and we woke to meet our new nurse for the day. Donna was her name and we ended up loving her. She was great and made us feel right at home. Later in the day she even brought our kids two cupcakes. The day would pretty much summarized by the phrase...hurry up and wait.
A good friend called and brought me breakfast. Around noon Jordan was transferred into a wheelchair and taken for an MRI of her brain, with and without contrast. While Jordan was away the hospitalist of the day (she too was great) came by to visit. We discussed Jordan's medical history and the great news that the CT of the brain was clean. She said she would be back later.
Around 1:00 Jordan returned, ate lunch and many friends began coming to visit. Some more friends brought lunch for me, clothes for Jordan, and our kids for a visit. The visit with the kids was good for us but much better for them. After about 30 minutes it was time for them to leave. As I was hugging Eli goodbye he said in my ear, "I'm glad mom isn't dead". No joke Eli, no joke I told him. Eli had experienced a lot of death too close to these events. Two weeks earlier while coming home they came upon a bicycle auto accident where a bicyclist was killed. Then less than a week earlier he had attended MADISON'S memorial.
Later in the afternoon another neurosurgeon friend who read Jordan's MRI texted and told me everything was normal with her MRI. Jordan's shoulder continued to hurt but otherwise we were doing pretty good. About 5:00 p.m. the hospitalist was back and officially told us that the MRI was normal. She then told us she was going to call an orthopedic surgeon to see Jordan for her shoulder pain and a neurologist. About 5:30 one of my orthopedic surgeon friends was in our room examining Jordan. He confirmed the hypothesis that she either dislocated or partially dislocated her shoulder during the seizure because her arms were pulling so hard or when she hit the tile floor. He said he would order an MRI if we wanted to confirm but that the protocol is to keep the shoulder immobilized for about 4 weeks.
We were preparing to go upstairs to the 6th floor when the neurologist came in to visit. Again I explained what transpired but this time in extreme detail. He told us he had read the MRI and there was nothing abnormal. He did explain that possibly two brain lobes in the front may be different sizes which isn't necessarily abnormal but if true after consulting with the radiologist on Monday could sometimes cause seizures. He then told us we would have the EEG completed Monday morning and if clear we would have some tough choices to make about whether to start on a seizure medication or not. He explained that the probability of those who have had one seizure and those who have never had one is the same for having a seizure. Thus, if Jordan began the drugs and didn't have a seizure again one could conclude that the drugs were working but this couldn't ever be confirmed. Then the question is when to stop them, if at all. We thanked him and he left our room.
About five minutes later he walked back into our room but this time carrying Jordan's chart. He asked how long Jordan had been taking Tramadol? Jordan responded since approximately August. Her oncologist prescribed it upon request because she didn't want to rely on a narcotic like hydrocodone for break through pain she experiences from the chemo drug she is on. The neurologist then said, "This drug is known to lower the seizure threshold." I asked him to explain what he meant by that. He then said he sees people who have no history of seizures have them while on Tramadol all of the time. Wow! Almost 24 hours after the seizure we had our first true clue what may have caused the seizure.
A couple of hours later we were in room 607 and settling in for the night. More medical history questions were asked and answered. Jordan was starving and I made a run to the cafeteria for a bag of chips. We were doing better. Jordan seemed to be feeling good and we were relieved to be out of CCU and one step closer to home and possibly have learned what caused the seizure.
Tramadol. We then discussed the pros and cons of going on seizure drugs and he explained the known side effects. Headaches and severe rashes were the known side effects for the drug he uses. The one the hospital uses are anxiety and restlessness. Jordan commented that during her EEG she couldn't sit still and had been anxious all day. She had just chalked it up to being in the hospital and anxious to go home. I called the orthopedic surgeon and asked if we could postpone the MRI of the shoulder and do it as an out patient since the neurologist said we could go home. He agreed and after all of the orders and follow up office appointments were made were were discharged about 3:30. We went and filled our prescriptions and were home by 4:30.
It had been a long two days; however, we were home and we seemed to have answers. I had a meeting at work that night and headed up to the hospital. Jordan was at home crying. Little did we know that crying was going to become the new normal...even as I type.
Monday night when I came home from my meeting and was tucking her in bed she asked me why I was so happy? I didn't know I was so happy but from her perspective I was. I explained that based on the previous two days I was glad to be home and know that the likely cause was something so simple to fix -- stop taking Tramadol. Jordan took her seizure drug and went to sleep. That night Jordan didn't sleep much -- another trend that continues even today.
Tuesday was like all other Tuesdays except Jordan was restless. She was feeling guilty about having had a seizure. She was crying. She was normal. She was up and down to say the least. That night I told her if she was going to continue having these weird mood swings she didn't need to take the anti-seizure drug. We went to sleep without taking it.
Wednesday was about the same with some small improvement over Tuesday. About 11:00, however, Jordan texted me at work and asked me to call. She explained that she had been reading about Tramadol and all the weird side effects she had been experiencing she believed were due to withdrawal from Tramadol and not from the seizure drug. Later that day I read the same and it made sense. Unfortunately, it said that the symptoms could last for up to 7 days or longer. We were on day four.
Later that night around 9:00 p.m. the kids were in bed. I had asked Jordan to show me how to correct the spelling of a misspelled word from my "Seizure" post. She sat down on the barstool in front of the counter where her computer sits and started showing me how to do it. We looked for it and she made the corrections. Then she said, "Um, I'm seeing things.". I replied, "Jordan, are you okay?" She said she felt fine but she was seeing things floating and was pointing around her computer. Then she told me she saw two of me. "Two of me?" I asked. She confirmed and I told her she was scaring me and that I wanted her to keep talking to me. She said, "What do you want me to say"? The tone of her voice was eerily similar to the tone of her voice when she said, "You are Brad" on Saturday night. I asked her if she had taken some medicine recently and she told me she had just taken her chemo, an Ambien and the anti seizure drug.
By this point I knew something was going on that was by no means normal. She was not seizing and she was breathing normal so I was more perplexed than scared. Since I didn't know what was going on and whether she was about to start seizing again I asked her if she could move to the couch. I put my arms under her armpits and raised her up while staring in her eyes. Jordan deadpanned, "Uh, my legs don't work". Her legs were working, but she was shuffling them slowly. We moved to the couch and she laid her head down on the arm. I kept talking to her while holding her hand. I was trying to process what was happening and also trying to decide what I should do in case things went from bad to worse again. I had my cell phone on me. I called our next door neighbors and quickly asked if they would come over as Jordan was acting weird. Then Jordan told me the bowling pins and the cat cookie jar on the mantle were dancing. I said, "They are dancing?" She confirmed. I think I may have even said, "Are you drunk"?
About this time our neighbors came in and she is an eye doctor and did the follow my finger test. She asked if I saw Jordan's eyes flicker up and down as she took her finger above Jordan's forehead. I didn't but upon her second time around I did. She said that this is what the police look for when doing sobriety tests. She said if the eyes flutter like that there is something happening with the nerves near the brain stem of the brain. We all hypothesized that she may be having another seizure but this time a petit mal. I told them to keep their eye on her and keep her talking. She was talking by this time and sounded pretty normal. She was telling them all about her reading this morning about the side effects of Tramadol. I found the number to the neurologist and was working my way through the answering service when Jordan told me she was still seeing two of me and two of Vanessa but not Dave (he was in her peripheral).
I explained to the neurologist what had just transpired. He didn't say whether he thought it was a seizure or not. He told us to make up the dose of missed seizure drugs and to call if something else happened. He also said he didn't prescribe Tramadol so he didn't know about the withdrawal side effects of it, but to ask the oncologist who did.
Eventually Jordan wasn't seeing double or dancing bowling pins and cats. Our neighbors left and when I was talking to Jordan about the events that just transpired she couldn't remember them all although she seemed to be with us the entire time. I ended up calling a friend who is a pharmacists and asked him what exactly was in Tramadol that we could discern from reading the internet. He told us that it is basically a pain killer that treats pain by telling the brain to discern pain differently. To do this it is basically part antidepressant and help a synthetic narcotic like hydrocodone. He said stopping an antidepressant cold turkey like she did could definitely explain her side effects include possibly another seizure. He recommended asking her PCP to to prescribe a small dose of prozac or something similar (antidepressant) to help her step down from the drug. I called our neighbors on the other side of us who is a PCP and he agreed with the logic but since he didn't have a doctor patient-relationship established and thus a chart to document that he was not comfortable doing that tonight but to let him know tomorrow if the neurologist or oncologist wouldn't or we couldn't get a hold of them. We then went to bed at 1:00.
The three days have been about the same....except Jordan had another double vision episode last night right before bed time. This time her voice didn't change and things were not dancing but were instead spinning. Her parents were in for the weekend and came into the room to see it for themselves. After about 20 minutes she went to sleep.
This morning she told me she slept great and it was the best night of sleep she had had all week. She then told me she took an Ambien, anti seizure drug, and chemo right before going to bed. I asked if she was seeing double and she look perplexed. She hadn't remembered anything from last night. Ambien seems to be the link as she had taken it both nights about 5 minutes before seeing double. So, tonight we are not taking Ambien.
So folks, that is a lot but you are now up to speed on all that has been happening. Please pray that Jordan continues improving and that the withdrawal symptoms subside soon. Thanks for all of the food and prayers as we continue to take each day at a time. Monday is day 9 of no Tramadol!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hospital
I'm letting Brad do the blogging for our most recent hospital adventure. A dislocated shoulder and other "mess" make me not want to blog too much. Thanks for praying and thinking about us this week.
We were now heading to the hospital in the ambulance. I sat next to one EMT on the bench near Jordan's feet as he charted and monitored Jordan and the other drove. Soon I was receiving text messages from good friends asking where we were. When we would be at the hospital? I was surprised they knew already. They reported they were already in the waiting room of the ER. I sent Jordan's dad a text explaining in short we were heading to the ER in an ambulance because Jordan had had a seizure. To my surprise he hadn't replied immediately. I hate sending them such messages and unfortunately have had to make such communications before. I know they need to know but I always feel guilty about notifying them because there just isn't a good way to explain to them that their daughter is once again in a state of emergency. Couple this with the fact that they live in the Metroplex and there is noway they can meet us at the ER puts them in a state where all they can do is worry and wait. Unfortunately we have had to do this twice before.
Others commented they were on their way. I was sitting on the bench trying to keep my mind from thinking of the worst case scenarios for what caused the seizure. I was reliving the events that had just transpired in my head. I was trying to focus on what the next steps would be and not on these terrifying moments. I couldn't keep focused on any one thing. Then I finally sent a text to another neurosurgeon friend asking who was on call for neurosurgery. My fear was that Jordan's cancer may be back (for the fourth time) but this time it is in the brain. No answer.
We pulled into the ER bay at BSA. Jordan was unloaded and calmly rolled into the ER. We were assigned to room 18. Soon upon arrival nurses were assessing her and asking what had happened. Since I was the only person who remembered, I was explaining it to them. They began asking the traditional medical history questions. For Jordan this takes a while to answer. The EMT's were disconnecting their equipment and then I noticed the young sheriffs officer was still outside the room. Our friends who had texted were now coming back to check on us. It was chaotic. My phone was ringing. I wanted to return to the calm of the ambulance.
The EMTs were gone upon a quick signature of something. Now the Sheriff's officer needed to fill out an incident report. I heard one EMT say to the nurse because he was the first on the scene he had to fill out an accident report. Again, I answered and explained a litany of questions while trying to answer the medical provider's questions who were coming in and out like a merry go round. I signed some more things for him, he took a picture of her right shoulder she was complaining about hurting and he was gone with a quick thank you.
More friends were coming and going. My phone rang and I spoke to my second neurosurgeon friend I had called and learned who was on call. The call helped. He explained what tests would be ordered and what to expect. Not long after this the ER physician came in. Again I explained what happened but in greater detail while many concerned friends listened. Time felt like it was standing still but when I would look at the clock we were already two hours after the seizure began. Jordan's temp was 94.1. The nurses were trying to warm Jordan up. She was asking for pain medicine saying nothing was touching the pain of her shoulder. Jordan rolled out for an X-ray of her should and a CT of her brain. The ER physician said we needed to make sure the cancer hadn't spread (exactly what I was thinking in the ambulance).
I noticed some other folks from our church in another ER bay down a few from us. I was in no place to inquire but as those who were coming in to see Jordan saw them I quickly learned another friend of ours was complaining of extreme pains and was about to have an appendectomy. We were all joking about it being Central Church of Christ night in the ER. About 20 minutes later it became even stranger when I learned the mother of one of our elder's wives was also in the same little area of the ER. In fact, I had been starring at her off and on for two hours. Concerned that we had too many visitors I decided to go to the waiting room and see those who hadn't made it back. While there I talked to Eli on the phone and could tell he was very concerned. He told me he had been talking to the family friends who had made it from Tulia by now and picked up our kids from our other neighbors. Some friends volunteered to go home and get us the basics and bring me back a vehicle and grab me some dinner. It was 10:00 p.m.
Not long after the plan was made I was called back to Jordan's room because the ER doctor wanted to tell us the results of the tests. Thankfully he proceeded to tell us the CT of the brain was normal and her shoulder didn't appear to be broken. Praise God! We all took a big sigh of relief.
About an hour later MADISON'S father and another friend came to the ER to visit. I was shocked he wanted to come up and see us given he had just buried his daughter 5 days earlier. We talked and processed hospital stays. It put things in perspective for me. Yes, four hours earlier I was holding Jordan's lifeless body and was scared she was dying, but she hadn't. We had already ruled out the worse case scenario of a brain tumor. It was a whirl wind but as we were about to leave the ER for the CCU the worse was over.
We were now heading to the hospital in the ambulance. I sat next to one EMT on the bench near Jordan's feet as he charted and monitored Jordan and the other drove. Soon I was receiving text messages from good friends asking where we were. When we would be at the hospital? I was surprised they knew already. They reported they were already in the waiting room of the ER. I sent Jordan's dad a text explaining in short we were heading to the ER in an ambulance because Jordan had had a seizure. To my surprise he hadn't replied immediately. I hate sending them such messages and unfortunately have had to make such communications before. I know they need to know but I always feel guilty about notifying them because there just isn't a good way to explain to them that their daughter is once again in a state of emergency. Couple this with the fact that they live in the Metroplex and there is noway they can meet us at the ER puts them in a state where all they can do is worry and wait. Unfortunately we have had to do this twice before.
Others commented they were on their way. I was sitting on the bench trying to keep my mind from thinking of the worst case scenarios for what caused the seizure. I was reliving the events that had just transpired in my head. I was trying to focus on what the next steps would be and not on these terrifying moments. I couldn't keep focused on any one thing. Then I finally sent a text to another neurosurgeon friend asking who was on call for neurosurgery. My fear was that Jordan's cancer may be back (for the fourth time) but this time it is in the brain. No answer.
We pulled into the ER bay at BSA. Jordan was unloaded and calmly rolled into the ER. We were assigned to room 18. Soon upon arrival nurses were assessing her and asking what had happened. Since I was the only person who remembered, I was explaining it to them. They began asking the traditional medical history questions. For Jordan this takes a while to answer. The EMT's were disconnecting their equipment and then I noticed the young sheriffs officer was still outside the room. Our friends who had texted were now coming back to check on us. It was chaotic. My phone was ringing. I wanted to return to the calm of the ambulance.
The EMTs were gone upon a quick signature of something. Now the Sheriff's officer needed to fill out an incident report. I heard one EMT say to the nurse because he was the first on the scene he had to fill out an accident report. Again, I answered and explained a litany of questions while trying to answer the medical provider's questions who were coming in and out like a merry go round. I signed some more things for him, he took a picture of her right shoulder she was complaining about hurting and he was gone with a quick thank you.
More friends were coming and going. My phone rang and I spoke to my second neurosurgeon friend I had called and learned who was on call. The call helped. He explained what tests would be ordered and what to expect. Not long after this the ER physician came in. Again I explained what happened but in greater detail while many concerned friends listened. Time felt like it was standing still but when I would look at the clock we were already two hours after the seizure began. Jordan's temp was 94.1. The nurses were trying to warm Jordan up. She was asking for pain medicine saying nothing was touching the pain of her shoulder. Jordan rolled out for an X-ray of her should and a CT of her brain. The ER physician said we needed to make sure the cancer hadn't spread (exactly what I was thinking in the ambulance).
I noticed some other folks from our church in another ER bay down a few from us. I was in no place to inquire but as those who were coming in to see Jordan saw them I quickly learned another friend of ours was complaining of extreme pains and was about to have an appendectomy. We were all joking about it being Central Church of Christ night in the ER. About 20 minutes later it became even stranger when I learned the mother of one of our elder's wives was also in the same little area of the ER. In fact, I had been starring at her off and on for two hours. Concerned that we had too many visitors I decided to go to the waiting room and see those who hadn't made it back. While there I talked to Eli on the phone and could tell he was very concerned. He told me he had been talking to the family friends who had made it from Tulia by now and picked up our kids from our other neighbors. Some friends volunteered to go home and get us the basics and bring me back a vehicle and grab me some dinner. It was 10:00 p.m.
Not long after the plan was made I was called back to Jordan's room because the ER doctor wanted to tell us the results of the tests. Thankfully he proceeded to tell us the CT of the brain was normal and her shoulder didn't appear to be broken. Praise God! We all took a big sigh of relief.
About an hour later MADISON'S father and another friend came to the ER to visit. I was shocked he wanted to come up and see us given he had just buried his daughter 5 days earlier. We talked and processed hospital stays. It put things in perspective for me. Yes, four hours earlier I was holding Jordan's lifeless body and was scared she was dying, but she hadn't. We had already ruled out the worse case scenario of a brain tumor. It was a whirl wind but as we were about to leave the ER for the CCU the worse was over.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Seizure
This past Saturday was like most all typical Saturdays. A list of honey dos, kids playing with their friends and a few errands.
Then it all changed in a moment. In one moment a new strange and very scary chapter that was in no way foreseeable was opened.
"Will you cut the pork chops up for the kids" Jordan asked? So, I slid into a role I am comfortable and took my spot beside the crockpot and plucked out the top chop and began slicing it. Jordan was putting the mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans on the plates. I glanced up and notice across the kitchen Phoebe was sitting at her normal spot at the family dinner table and Jordan had delivered a plate of food....without my pork chops. Ummm...that is strange I thought. Then I went back to my task and made a few more cuts before turning my head to the right to ask Jordan if I had sliced enough. It was at that moment that I noticed Jordan was not responding and appeared like a wax figure but with a slight tilt backwards.
I took a quick few steps to my right while putting my hands on her arms and trying to look into her eyes asking, "Jordan, are you alright? Jordan are you fainting?" Then before I knew it she was melting hard to her right and I guided her the best I could to the tile floor of our kitchen. My thoughts were racing trying to comprehend what just happened...but before I could process my thoughts Jordan started convulsing violently. A seizure? What? Jordan doesn't have seizures was my initial thought. Phoebe was yelling by this time, "What is happening" over and over.... I don't know is what I was thinking but I was also trying to recall what one is supposed to do when they are in the presence of someone having a seizure. "Let it run its course". "Don't put anything in the mouth". "Keep the person from being injured by their surrounding". These were all things I was recalling from videos I once saw while attending board meetings of the High Plains Epilepsy Association here in Amarillo about 7 years back. Never did I ever expect to find myself having to utilize this knowledge. I pondered if I should have Eli call 911 but remembering talking myself out of it with the aforementioned thoughts springing from those epilepsy board videos. I decided to put my left hand underneath Jordan's head to keep it from pounding the tile and remember looking down at her chest to see both of her arms folded on it with her hands rolled as far as possible inward looking like two crows feet. Maybe 30 to 45 seconds had passed. I was scared. I was confused. Then things went from bad to worse.
Again with no foreseeability the violent convulsions stopped. Just like a great storm that blows through the Texas Panhandle it had come quick, was really violent and then it was gone in a blink of an eye leaving a peaceful calm. However, this calm was not peaceful at all. Jordan immediately turned white as a sheet. Then her lips soon turned blue and I noticed for the first time a red colored foamy substance around the edges of her mouth. "Eli! CALL 911 NOW!" I screamed. Gone were my thoughts about the epilepsy video... instead replaced by my shaky memories of how to perform CPR I had gleaned almost two years ago during my CPR certification class mandated because I work for a hospital. Time was standing still. I remember Eli asking where the phone is. I remember hearing Phoebe's crying. I remember thinking to myself, "no, no, no, this is not how things are supposed to go...you are not suppose to die in my arms while at home at age 33 in front of the kids for no apparent reason." I was scared. I was beginning to panic and I knew I couldn't just sit by and do nothing so I decided I would do the Heimlich maneuver because just maybe she had taken a bite of food and was choking. I raised Jordan up and then tried lifting her to her feet but found it impossible considering her body was like a wet noodle. With me standing over her and her on her knees I tried my best to do two separate maneuvers. I knew I didn't have my hands in the correct place and I also knew that the chances of it actually helping were slim. So, I quickly abandoned this approach and lowered Jordan back down now with her shoulders resting on my left leg and her head resting on my forearm.
It was time to start CPR. I then tried to open Jordan mouth but her teeth were still clinched shut. I ran my fingers around her teeth trying to pry her jaw open. "Dad, what is our address?" asked Eli. I didn't respond. I was too focused on the task at hand and trying to remember what went first: breathing or chest compressions. I looked briefly at her chest and back at her blue lips and white face and remember thinking... once I start this I am going to crush her small fragile chest against this tile floor. Then just as quickly as she went white, Jordan starting breathing again evident by her color retiring to her face! I was so relieved. Her eyes remained shut and I continued trying to open her mouth to see if something was lodged in her airway. I also started calling Jordan's name loudly -- but there was no response. I raised my left leg and rested Jordan's back against it. I remember Eli handing me the phone and I briefly telling the 911 operator that my wife was breathing again all while continuing to talk to Jordan. I kept saying her name and asking, "Jordan, what just happened"? The operator told me help had been dispatched and they would check her out and determine whether she needed to go to the hospital and if she stopped breathing again to call back. I thanked her and hung up.
Soon Jordan was sweating profusely. I was wiping the sweat from her head and talking to her. I opened her eyelids and saw that the whites of her eyes looked a weird grey color. Finally after about 3 to 5 minutes I asked if she knew who I was. She looked up at me and deadpanned, "You're Brad". The light was on, somebody was coming to the door! We continued in this position for another approximately 10 to 15 minutes waiting for help to get there. I remember looking up at some point and both Eli and Phoebe were standing over just holding one another and crying. We had just experience a nightmare. It was not welcomed and none of us could comprehend nor explain what we just saw. I ordered Eli to make sure the lights were on, to go get my cell phone from the charger in the bathroom and to keep a lookout for the ambulance.
I called my friend who is a neurosurgeon first but there was no answer. I then thought I needed to get someone to the house to keep the kids because despite what the 911 operator said I knew we would be going to the ER. I called some neighbor friends who we go to church with. They answered but said they were driving through Tulia and would be home in about an hour when I asked if they were home. "Why, do you need something?" she asked. " Why, yes I do." I proceeded to tell her that Jordan had just had a seizure, stopped breathing, I thought she was dying, and we had called 911 which was in transport. Next time she will know better to ask that question :-) She promptly told me not to worry about finding someone who was home because she would find someone for me. We hung up and I went back to wiping the sweat off Jordan's head and asking her what just happened. She continued to not answer but I kept asking.
About 5 minutes later I received a text that a physician in our neighborhood was on his way to our house. Good I thought. In fact, this physician was the general surgeon who was moments away from excising the tumor off of Jordan's liver nearly five years earlier when we were at the ER before the decision was made to care flight us to Dallas for that surgery. So, I knew he may remember Jordan but at a minimum he was a physician and that was really good. After about 10 to 15 minutes after hanging up from the operator Eli was saying he heard sirens and saw lights. The young new sheriff's deputy walked in first. I quickly gave him the run down on what just happened. He looked as perplexed on what to do as I did. By this time Jordan was complaining of her right elbow hurting and was asking me to hold it up for her. She still looked at me with disgust and confusion when I asked her what just happened. Next the Potter County volunteer fire fighters arrived. There was four of them and they started taking blood pressure, pulse, and asking me about her medical history. Someone was asking Jordan what her date of birth was and she answered. Uh, I remember thinking because that was a pretty hard question and she answered without pause. Now she was siting up on the floor with her head in her left hand as her right arm was still hurting her. I remember smelling cow manure and noticing that the firefighter standing taking Jordan's blood pressure was wearing boots caked in the all natural compost. I thought...only in Amarillo and also if this didn't wake Jordan up nothing probably was going to. Later Jordan reported that she didn't recall anything between putting food on the plates and these firefighters standing over her. She didn't remember putting Phoebe's plate in front of her without food and she didn't remember the next 25 plus minutes (or so) of life changing activity.
Five minutes (or so) after the firefighters arrived another neighbor seeing the commotion walked in the house asking if we needed help. I gladly welcomed it and told him what had just transpired. He told me not to worry about the kids and he would take care of getting the house locked up. By this time the EMTs had arrived with the ambulance and had rolled in a stretcher. I remember hearing one of the firefighters asking Eli if he was the one who called 911 and complementing him on doing a good job per the operator. Jordan was on the stretcher and the surgeon/neighbor walked in. He called the ER and told them what had transpired and told them about Jordan's history. He acknowledged he remembered Jordan from five years earlier (Amarillo is a big small town). I decided I would be spending the night in the ER or a few days in the hospital and it would be best if I were not wearing Dallas Cowboy pajama pants and flannel lined crocs so I headed to my closet for a quick change while they loaded Jordan in the ambulance. As I left the house with a few belongings in hand my two neighbors were cleaning up dinner and the kids were getting their things together to spend the night with someone else. I gave Eli and Phoebe a big hug and kiss and headed to the ambulance.
Jordan was resting normally on the stretcher as the EMT was starting an IV and asking more medical history questions. Then we were off to the ER. The next entry will pick up the story from there.
Brad
Then it all changed in a moment. In one moment a new strange and very scary chapter that was in no way foreseeable was opened.
"Will you cut the pork chops up for the kids" Jordan asked? So, I slid into a role I am comfortable and took my spot beside the crockpot and plucked out the top chop and began slicing it. Jordan was putting the mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans on the plates. I glanced up and notice across the kitchen Phoebe was sitting at her normal spot at the family dinner table and Jordan had delivered a plate of food....without my pork chops. Ummm...that is strange I thought. Then I went back to my task and made a few more cuts before turning my head to the right to ask Jordan if I had sliced enough. It was at that moment that I noticed Jordan was not responding and appeared like a wax figure but with a slight tilt backwards.
I took a quick few steps to my right while putting my hands on her arms and trying to look into her eyes asking, "Jordan, are you alright? Jordan are you fainting?" Then before I knew it she was melting hard to her right and I guided her the best I could to the tile floor of our kitchen. My thoughts were racing trying to comprehend what just happened...but before I could process my thoughts Jordan started convulsing violently. A seizure? What? Jordan doesn't have seizures was my initial thought. Phoebe was yelling by this time, "What is happening" over and over.... I don't know is what I was thinking but I was also trying to recall what one is supposed to do when they are in the presence of someone having a seizure. "Let it run its course". "Don't put anything in the mouth". "Keep the person from being injured by their surrounding". These were all things I was recalling from videos I once saw while attending board meetings of the High Plains Epilepsy Association here in Amarillo about 7 years back. Never did I ever expect to find myself having to utilize this knowledge. I pondered if I should have Eli call 911 but remembering talking myself out of it with the aforementioned thoughts springing from those epilepsy board videos. I decided to put my left hand underneath Jordan's head to keep it from pounding the tile and remember looking down at her chest to see both of her arms folded on it with her hands rolled as far as possible inward looking like two crows feet. Maybe 30 to 45 seconds had passed. I was scared. I was confused. Then things went from bad to worse.
Again with no foreseeability the violent convulsions stopped. Just like a great storm that blows through the Texas Panhandle it had come quick, was really violent and then it was gone in a blink of an eye leaving a peaceful calm. However, this calm was not peaceful at all. Jordan immediately turned white as a sheet. Then her lips soon turned blue and I noticed for the first time a red colored foamy substance around the edges of her mouth. "Eli! CALL 911 NOW!" I screamed. Gone were my thoughts about the epilepsy video... instead replaced by my shaky memories of how to perform CPR I had gleaned almost two years ago during my CPR certification class mandated because I work for a hospital. Time was standing still. I remember Eli asking where the phone is. I remember hearing Phoebe's crying. I remember thinking to myself, "no, no, no, this is not how things are supposed to go...you are not suppose to die in my arms while at home at age 33 in front of the kids for no apparent reason." I was scared. I was beginning to panic and I knew I couldn't just sit by and do nothing so I decided I would do the Heimlich maneuver because just maybe she had taken a bite of food and was choking. I raised Jordan up and then tried lifting her to her feet but found it impossible considering her body was like a wet noodle. With me standing over her and her on her knees I tried my best to do two separate maneuvers. I knew I didn't have my hands in the correct place and I also knew that the chances of it actually helping were slim. So, I quickly abandoned this approach and lowered Jordan back down now with her shoulders resting on my left leg and her head resting on my forearm.
It was time to start CPR. I then tried to open Jordan mouth but her teeth were still clinched shut. I ran my fingers around her teeth trying to pry her jaw open. "Dad, what is our address?" asked Eli. I didn't respond. I was too focused on the task at hand and trying to remember what went first: breathing or chest compressions. I looked briefly at her chest and back at her blue lips and white face and remember thinking... once I start this I am going to crush her small fragile chest against this tile floor. Then just as quickly as she went white, Jordan starting breathing again evident by her color retiring to her face! I was so relieved. Her eyes remained shut and I continued trying to open her mouth to see if something was lodged in her airway. I also started calling Jordan's name loudly -- but there was no response. I raised my left leg and rested Jordan's back against it. I remember Eli handing me the phone and I briefly telling the 911 operator that my wife was breathing again all while continuing to talk to Jordan. I kept saying her name and asking, "Jordan, what just happened"? The operator told me help had been dispatched and they would check her out and determine whether she needed to go to the hospital and if she stopped breathing again to call back. I thanked her and hung up.
Soon Jordan was sweating profusely. I was wiping the sweat from her head and talking to her. I opened her eyelids and saw that the whites of her eyes looked a weird grey color. Finally after about 3 to 5 minutes I asked if she knew who I was. She looked up at me and deadpanned, "You're Brad". The light was on, somebody was coming to the door! We continued in this position for another approximately 10 to 15 minutes waiting for help to get there. I remember looking up at some point and both Eli and Phoebe were standing over just holding one another and crying. We had just experience a nightmare. It was not welcomed and none of us could comprehend nor explain what we just saw. I ordered Eli to make sure the lights were on, to go get my cell phone from the charger in the bathroom and to keep a lookout for the ambulance.
I called my friend who is a neurosurgeon first but there was no answer. I then thought I needed to get someone to the house to keep the kids because despite what the 911 operator said I knew we would be going to the ER. I called some neighbor friends who we go to church with. They answered but said they were driving through Tulia and would be home in about an hour when I asked if they were home. "Why, do you need something?" she asked. " Why, yes I do." I proceeded to tell her that Jordan had just had a seizure, stopped breathing, I thought she was dying, and we had called 911 which was in transport. Next time she will know better to ask that question :-) She promptly told me not to worry about finding someone who was home because she would find someone for me. We hung up and I went back to wiping the sweat off Jordan's head and asking her what just happened. She continued to not answer but I kept asking.
About 5 minutes later I received a text that a physician in our neighborhood was on his way to our house. Good I thought. In fact, this physician was the general surgeon who was moments away from excising the tumor off of Jordan's liver nearly five years earlier when we were at the ER before the decision was made to care flight us to Dallas for that surgery. So, I knew he may remember Jordan but at a minimum he was a physician and that was really good. After about 10 to 15 minutes after hanging up from the operator Eli was saying he heard sirens and saw lights. The young new sheriff's deputy walked in first. I quickly gave him the run down on what just happened. He looked as perplexed on what to do as I did. By this time Jordan was complaining of her right elbow hurting and was asking me to hold it up for her. She still looked at me with disgust and confusion when I asked her what just happened. Next the Potter County volunteer fire fighters arrived. There was four of them and they started taking blood pressure, pulse, and asking me about her medical history. Someone was asking Jordan what her date of birth was and she answered. Uh, I remember thinking because that was a pretty hard question and she answered without pause. Now she was siting up on the floor with her head in her left hand as her right arm was still hurting her. I remember smelling cow manure and noticing that the firefighter standing taking Jordan's blood pressure was wearing boots caked in the all natural compost. I thought...only in Amarillo and also if this didn't wake Jordan up nothing probably was going to. Later Jordan reported that she didn't recall anything between putting food on the plates and these firefighters standing over her. She didn't remember putting Phoebe's plate in front of her without food and she didn't remember the next 25 plus minutes (or so) of life changing activity.
Five minutes (or so) after the firefighters arrived another neighbor seeing the commotion walked in the house asking if we needed help. I gladly welcomed it and told him what had just transpired. He told me not to worry about the kids and he would take care of getting the house locked up. By this time the EMTs had arrived with the ambulance and had rolled in a stretcher. I remember hearing one of the firefighters asking Eli if he was the one who called 911 and complementing him on doing a good job per the operator. Jordan was on the stretcher and the surgeon/neighbor walked in. He called the ER and told them what had transpired and told them about Jordan's history. He acknowledged he remembered Jordan from five years earlier (Amarillo is a big small town). I decided I would be spending the night in the ER or a few days in the hospital and it would be best if I were not wearing Dallas Cowboy pajama pants and flannel lined crocs so I headed to my closet for a quick change while they loaded Jordan in the ambulance. As I left the house with a few belongings in hand my two neighbors were cleaning up dinner and the kids were getting their things together to spend the night with someone else. I gave Eli and Phoebe a big hug and kiss and headed to the ambulance.
Jordan was resting normally on the stretcher as the EMT was starting an IV and asking more medical history questions. Then we were off to the ER. The next entry will pick up the story from there.
Brad
Friday, January 20, 2012
Project 52: I Dreamed a Dream
I'm not one to have great, big dreams. I don't dream of changing the world or doing amazing cancer research or anything of the like. My dreams have always been closer to home. I dreamed of being a wife. I dreamed of being a mom. I dreamed of making a house into a home. And ever since I saw Brad's and my sneakers thrown on the floor by the couch during our second week of marriage, shoes thrown together have always represented "together" to me. So that's what I took a photo of...all our shoes lined up on the welcome mat to the house we built together. It's not awesome or original and maybe it's even a little trite, but that's my dream.
See more PROJECT 52 participants here. There's bound to be some more creative than mine. :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Madison's Cake
MADISON loved pink. It wasn't just her favorite color. It represented who she was. Bright. Bubbly. Beautiful. At her memorial, it was a sea of pink. People wore pink and were surrounded by 500 pink balloons tied in bunches at the end of the pews. You don't see balloons at a memorial very often, but they fit perfectly with this memorial. It was a celebration of who Madison was and what she taught us and who our God is by the 600+ people who attended. We all laughed and cried as her dad and her friends and her sister paid tribute to her with poems and letters and songs. And at the end, we took those 500 pink balloons and released them into the West Texas sky.
Last night was our first Huddle without that sweet girl. We spent time just being together. I wanted to honor her one last time and when I found THIS cake on pinterest, I knew I was going to make it for us. Of course, mine didn't turn out quite like the photo on the blog. (I've told you before I'm not a good baker!)
I envisioned a much lighter pink, but mixing food coloring colors is not my gift. And the outside was browner than I imagined. (My light-colored cakes are always dark on the outside. Do you think it's because I use a dark, non-stick bundt pan?) But the flavor was phenomenal and I guess that's what really matters. Well, that and remembered our sweet friend, Madison. There is no cake, no matter what color, that can fill up the hole that she left.
We miss her dearly.
Pink Lemonade Pound Cake
1 (18.25 ounce) package lemon cake mix
1 (3 ounce) package instant lemon pudding mix
4 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup pink lemonade concentrate
4 drops pink or red food color, optional
Glaze:
1 cup frozen pink lemonade concentrate, thawed
1 1/2-2 cups powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour one 10-inch tube pan or
bundt pan. Combine the cake mix, lemon pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, 1/2
cup lemon concentrate and the milk. Mix until smooth. Pour the batter
into the prepared pan. Bake at 350 for 50 minutes to 1 hour. Remove from oven and prick cake all over with a fork. Immediately about half of the lemonade glaze over top of cake. Let cake stand in pan until almost cool. Invert onto a cooling rack positioned over a cookie sheet (this will keep your glaze from pooling on the platter and spilling over the sides...I learned about this the hard way). Pour remaining glaze all over the cake, making sure it's completely covered. When it's completely cool, carefully transfer to the serving platter. Think of Madison while you eat it and say a little prayer for her family and friends.
** A RECIPE is up over at Eating at the Taj McCall. It's a two-for-one deal today!
Last night was our first Huddle without that sweet girl. We spent time just being together. I wanted to honor her one last time and when I found THIS cake on pinterest, I knew I was going to make it for us. Of course, mine didn't turn out quite like the photo on the blog. (I've told you before I'm not a good baker!)
I envisioned a much lighter pink, but mixing food coloring colors is not my gift. And the outside was browner than I imagined. (My light-colored cakes are always dark on the outside. Do you think it's because I use a dark, non-stick bundt pan?) But the flavor was phenomenal and I guess that's what really matters. Well, that and remembered our sweet friend, Madison. There is no cake, no matter what color, that can fill up the hole that she left.
We miss her dearly.
Pink Lemonade Pound Cake
1 (18.25 ounce) package lemon cake mix
1 (3 ounce) package instant lemon pudding mix
4 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup pink lemonade concentrate
4 drops pink or red food color, optional
Glaze:
1 cup frozen pink lemonade concentrate, thawed
1 1/2-2 cups powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour one 10-inch tube pan or
bundt pan. Combine the cake mix, lemon pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, 1/2
cup lemon concentrate and the milk. Mix until smooth. Pour the batter
into the prepared pan. Bake at 350 for 50 minutes to 1 hour. Remove from oven and prick cake all over with a fork. Immediately about half of the lemonade glaze over top of cake. Let cake stand in pan until almost cool. Invert onto a cooling rack positioned over a cookie sheet (this will keep your glaze from pooling on the platter and spilling over the sides...I learned about this the hard way). Pour remaining glaze all over the cake, making sure it's completely covered. When it's completely cool, carefully transfer to the serving platter. Think of Madison while you eat it and say a little prayer for her family and friends.
** A RECIPE is up over at Eating at the Taj McCall. It's a two-for-one deal today!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wordless Wednesday
* New Crockpot Creamy Chicken Enchilada Soup RECIPE up over at Eating at the Taj McCall! Perfect (and kid-and-husband-friendly) for chilly Sundays after church. :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
Skiing
Guest blogger Brad here. Jordan asked me to write about my ski trip with Eli last weekend.
It never fails that when our alternating Christmas lands in Dallas my home state always seems to get snow. This past December New Mexico was blessed with a few big snow dumping storms. Thanks to Facebook you can see it for yourself as it happens. So, not long after we returned from Christmas I was on the phone planning a ski trip to New Mexico with my family. We ended up going to Moriarty and skiing Santa Fe on New Years Eve with my brothers Brent and Kevin and their families. It was a good time and Eli once again continued to get better improving upon our last trip in March of 2011 with the youth group over spring break to Keystone.
After our day skiing I had enough. My days of always wanting more and more and back to back skiing days are over. I may do it, but if I had my preference I would at least take a day off between ski days.
Anyhow, to the point; right?
Last Thursday night I heard my phone ringing and when I picked it up I saw that my former boss from my law firm days (David Mullin) was calling and had texted numerous times inviting/begging me and Eli to go skiing with him, his wife and his granddaughter Jazzy, who is a year younger than Eli, at Taos for the weekend. I typically don't need much cajoling to go skiing but this was even a little spur of the moment and unplanned for even me. Possibly Jordan's planning genes have been finding their way across the pillows to me. I could tell that David was really, really wanting us to go and that he had already rented a ski in-and-out cabin. So, I checked the snow report, with Eli, and with Jordan and we were in.
I am glad we did it. It turned out to be a great father/son weekend with the Mullins. Even though it has almost been five years since I worked with/for David he continues to be one of my best friends. Our relationship is some weird mixture of both paternal/professional. Our age difference is big enough for David to be my father and I his son. David is a great attorney and continues to advise me and my company. He also continues to find time to have lunch with me every couple of weeks at our usual place so we can visit about important matters like the Phillies (he grew up in Philly), family, work, lots of football and religion. I think it is very important to have role models in your life and even better for them to be someone you really know.
So, we headed to NM and had a blast. Taos is a gem of New Mexico skiing. I had never really skied there before (there was one day 4 years ago with the Mullins and Eli that ended abruptly since it was Eli's first day to ever ski and it was 7 degrees for the high). The snow and the mountain were great. Eli and I skied by ourselves Saturday until about Noon when David joined us. Eli loves the moguls and jumps. I love the moguls, too, but not the jumps any more. Jazzy and Mary headed to the cabin early but we made sure David got in a few runs (about 10).
We were only planning to ski Saturday but when we were heading to the rental shop on Saturday morning the shuttle driver/inn owner (Christian Heavens -- really that was his name) was talking about how it was supposed to ski Saturday night. So, David looked at me and asked if we were okay skiing two. I am glad we did because it did end up snowing about 4 inches which is just about perfect. Also, Eli was a great little ski instructor as he taught Jazzy how to ski on Sunday on the bunny slope. Then in the afternoon we all headed to the top of the mountain. You can never underestimate the power of peer pressure. Before Eli started teaching Jazzy how to ski, she was like a runaway freight train. In about one hour Eli had her turning and stopping without falling. All in all, Jazzy did great up on the big mountain. I kidded David on our third run from the top with Jazzy that his decision to invite the McCalls was beginning to pay off. He just laughed and said, "You are not kidding."
Anyhow, enjoy these pictures and let us know if you want/need Eli to teach your 7 year old to ski this winter. We might just be in for a third ski trip of the winter soon.
** You can find a new recipe HERE over at EATING AT THE TAJ MCCALL!
It never fails that when our alternating Christmas lands in Dallas my home state always seems to get snow. This past December New Mexico was blessed with a few big snow dumping storms. Thanks to Facebook you can see it for yourself as it happens. So, not long after we returned from Christmas I was on the phone planning a ski trip to New Mexico with my family. We ended up going to Moriarty and skiing Santa Fe on New Years Eve with my brothers Brent and Kevin and their families. It was a good time and Eli once again continued to get better improving upon our last trip in March of 2011 with the youth group over spring break to Keystone.
After our day skiing I had enough. My days of always wanting more and more and back to back skiing days are over. I may do it, but if I had my preference I would at least take a day off between ski days.
Anyhow, to the point; right?
Last Thursday night I heard my phone ringing and when I picked it up I saw that my former boss from my law firm days (David Mullin) was calling and had texted numerous times inviting/begging me and Eli to go skiing with him, his wife and his granddaughter Jazzy, who is a year younger than Eli, at Taos for the weekend. I typically don't need much cajoling to go skiing but this was even a little spur of the moment and unplanned for even me. Possibly Jordan's planning genes have been finding their way across the pillows to me. I could tell that David was really, really wanting us to go and that he had already rented a ski in-and-out cabin. So, I checked the snow report, with Eli, and with Jordan and we were in.
I am glad we did it. It turned out to be a great father/son weekend with the Mullins. Even though it has almost been five years since I worked with/for David he continues to be one of my best friends. Our relationship is some weird mixture of both paternal/professional. Our age difference is big enough for David to be my father and I his son. David is a great attorney and continues to advise me and my company. He also continues to find time to have lunch with me every couple of weeks at our usual place so we can visit about important matters like the Phillies (he grew up in Philly), family, work, lots of football and religion. I think it is very important to have role models in your life and even better for them to be someone you really know.
So, we headed to NM and had a blast. Taos is a gem of New Mexico skiing. I had never really skied there before (there was one day 4 years ago with the Mullins and Eli that ended abruptly since it was Eli's first day to ever ski and it was 7 degrees for the high). The snow and the mountain were great. Eli and I skied by ourselves Saturday until about Noon when David joined us. Eli loves the moguls and jumps. I love the moguls, too, but not the jumps any more. Jazzy and Mary headed to the cabin early but we made sure David got in a few runs (about 10).
We were only planning to ski Saturday but when we were heading to the rental shop on Saturday morning the shuttle driver/inn owner (Christian Heavens -- really that was his name) was talking about how it was supposed to ski Saturday night. So, David looked at me and asked if we were okay skiing two. I am glad we did because it did end up snowing about 4 inches which is just about perfect. Also, Eli was a great little ski instructor as he taught Jazzy how to ski on Sunday on the bunny slope. Then in the afternoon we all headed to the top of the mountain. You can never underestimate the power of peer pressure. Before Eli started teaching Jazzy how to ski, she was like a runaway freight train. In about one hour Eli had her turning and stopping without falling. All in all, Jazzy did great up on the big mountain. I kidded David on our third run from the top with Jazzy that his decision to invite the McCalls was beginning to pay off. He just laughed and said, "You are not kidding."
Anyhow, enjoy these pictures and let us know if you want/need Eli to teach your 7 year old to ski this winter. We might just be in for a third ski trip of the winter soon.
** You can find a new recipe HERE over at EATING AT THE TAJ MCCALL!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Project 52: Made with Love
This is the doll house my grandfather made for me when I was little. I loved this dollhouse. I remember many an hour spent playing with it. So I gave to Phoebe at Christmas. I'm hoping she loves it as much as I did.
You can find all the other participants for this week's Project 52 HERE. I'll admit, after looking at several of them, I'm a little intimidated. There are some seriously good photographers over there, and I'm just an amateur mom who likes to capture moments around me. This project sounded like fun!
You can find all the other participants for this week's Project 52 HERE. I'll admit, after looking at several of them, I'm a little intimidated. There are some seriously good photographers over there, and I'm just an amateur mom who likes to capture moments around me. This project sounded like fun!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Precious Madison
I'm postponing PROJECT 52 today. There's too much on my heart to post that photo.
Sweet, strong Madison Knebusch passed away yesterday morning at 16, having battled cancer for almost two years.
She will be so missed.
But we know that she is completely healed. Forever. She will not live a life of doctor visits and fear and scans and medication only to go through this again. Her life was an amazing testament of faith and courage and spunk.
But she leaves behind a community of mourners. Her parents, her sisters, her brothers, her best friend, and countless others. I think most of us who knew her are still in a state of shock and keep thinking that this was not the way it was supposed to be. We expect to see her bright, smiling face just coming around the corner or sitting in "her" chair at Huddles on Wednesday nights. But we find God's love made perfect in brokenness and heartache.
Sweet, strong Madison Knebusch passed away yesterday morning at 16, having battled cancer for almost two years.
She will be so missed.
But we know that she is completely healed. Forever. She will not live a life of doctor visits and fear and scans and medication only to go through this again. Her life was an amazing testament of faith and courage and spunk.
But she leaves behind a community of mourners. Her parents, her sisters, her brothers, her best friend, and countless others. I think most of us who knew her are still in a state of shock and keep thinking that this was not the way it was supposed to be. We expect to see her bright, smiling face just coming around the corner or sitting in "her" chair at Huddles on Wednesday nights. But we find God's love made perfect in brokenness and heartache.
Madison Taylor Knebusch
1995-2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Ten on Ten: January 2012
I felt truly uninspired on this TEN ON TEN. Maybe it's the post-holiday blahs. Maybe my body was telling me to take it easy after all LAST WEEKEND'S PROJECTS. Maybe running errands and dusting while missing my kids because they were at school just wasn't very inspiring. Whatever it was, I had a hard time finding the beauty in today. Which is probably why the whole project was started in the first place. :)
Be sure to take a look at all the other (and probably more inspiring) photos from the other photographers HERE.
Be sure to take a look at all the other (and probably more inspiring) photos from the other photographers HERE.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
This Mom-Thing Is Hard
He looked at me with those big, sad blue eyes and I knew he was trying not to cry. He tries so hard to be the big eight-year-old that he thinks he is, but his heart is still pretty tender and green. He said, "Mom, all the other kids at lunch have lots of unhealthy things to eat at lunch and all I ever have is healthy stuff and 2 fruits!"
And I knew it wasn't just about the food. It was about fitting in. It was about being cool. And I can't help him with that. I've never fit in and I've never been cool. But I remember when I wanted to do and be both of those things. I knew that if I could just do everything right, then I'd be who I always wanted to be. Right now, Eli thinks that eating healthy food makes him different and un-cool.
I know that he isn't the only child bringing their lunch because homemade is always healthier than school or store-bought. I've eaten lunch with him at school. I know, deep down, he has no issue with eating healthy. He's a good eater and not very picky. But I also know that yesterday he felt like there was a big, giant spotlight shining on him in the cafeteria while everyone else looked at him and laughed.
So I said, "Oh honey, you know and I know that when you eat better food, you're body is better. You're better at sports. Your brain is more able to learn all that it needs to learn. I send you healthy foods because I love you so much. Those other moms just don't love their children enough to make sure they are eating healthy food."
It was the wrong thing to say. I threw other moms under the bus for the sake of making a point. Even though I don't really feel this way, I let Eli think that I thought those other moms weren't good enough. I know that there are only so many things we can be passionate and convicted about as a mom. We have to choose what's important to us and let some other things slide. There are many things I let slide because they aren't important enough to see through each and every day. But when Eli looks back on this conversation, he will think that I think my priorities are more important and more honorable than what other moms prioritize.
But I was caught off-guard. This mom-thing is hard and every day it seems there is some new challenge that I have no idea how to handle and no one told me about. Sure, at 8 parenting Eli is easier in some ways than parenting a newborn, but in some ways it's so much harder. My confident, headstrong 2-year-old Eli never worried about what other people thought or whether what he did was "cool". That headstrong 8-year-old's confidence is waning a bit and we're both trying to find our way on this new part of our journey together.
I asked him what he thought we should do about this. He said that if he could just take one thing in his lunch that wasn't healthy, then he'd be ok. I told him that was fine, but he needed to make sure that all the healthy food was eaten so it would cancel out the bad thing he was eating. I told him I could live with that and everyday after dinner (when I usually make lunches) he could pick out his "unhealthy" treat from the container of leftover Halloween/Christmas/Valentine's candy I keep in the pantry.
What did he pick tonight? A piece of gum.
Today I will hug him extra tight before he heads off to school. I will say one more extra prayer that the Lord fills him up so full that what other people think and say don't matter. I will pray (a little selfishly perhaps) that what everyone eats at lunch isn't the lunchtime topic of conversation. And I will pray for forgiveness from my judgmental heart and ask the Lord to give me the right words at the right time...even though I know this is a battle that Eli is going to have to fight at some point by himself.
And I knew it wasn't just about the food. It was about fitting in. It was about being cool. And I can't help him with that. I've never fit in and I've never been cool. But I remember when I wanted to do and be both of those things. I knew that if I could just do everything right, then I'd be who I always wanted to be. Right now, Eli thinks that eating healthy food makes him different and un-cool.
I know that he isn't the only child bringing their lunch because homemade is always healthier than school or store-bought. I've eaten lunch with him at school. I know, deep down, he has no issue with eating healthy. He's a good eater and not very picky. But I also know that yesterday he felt like there was a big, giant spotlight shining on him in the cafeteria while everyone else looked at him and laughed.
So I said, "Oh honey, you know and I know that when you eat better food, you're body is better. You're better at sports. Your brain is more able to learn all that it needs to learn. I send you healthy foods because I love you so much. Those other moms just don't love their children enough to make sure they are eating healthy food."
It was the wrong thing to say. I threw other moms under the bus for the sake of making a point. Even though I don't really feel this way, I let Eli think that I thought those other moms weren't good enough. I know that there are only so many things we can be passionate and convicted about as a mom. We have to choose what's important to us and let some other things slide. There are many things I let slide because they aren't important enough to see through each and every day. But when Eli looks back on this conversation, he will think that I think my priorities are more important and more honorable than what other moms prioritize.
But I was caught off-guard. This mom-thing is hard and every day it seems there is some new challenge that I have no idea how to handle and no one told me about. Sure, at 8 parenting Eli is easier in some ways than parenting a newborn, but in some ways it's so much harder. My confident, headstrong 2-year-old Eli never worried about what other people thought or whether what he did was "cool". That headstrong 8-year-old's confidence is waning a bit and we're both trying to find our way on this new part of our journey together.
I asked him what he thought we should do about this. He said that if he could just take one thing in his lunch that wasn't healthy, then he'd be ok. I told him that was fine, but he needed to make sure that all the healthy food was eaten so it would cancel out the bad thing he was eating. I told him I could live with that and everyday after dinner (when I usually make lunches) he could pick out his "unhealthy" treat from the container of leftover Halloween/Christmas/Valentine's candy I keep in the pantry.
What did he pick tonight? A piece of gum.
Today I will hug him extra tight before he heads off to school. I will say one more extra prayer that the Lord fills him up so full that what other people think and say don't matter. I will pray (a little selfishly perhaps) that what everyone eats at lunch isn't the lunchtime topic of conversation. And I will pray for forgiveness from my judgmental heart and ask the Lord to give me the right words at the right time...even though I know this is a battle that Eli is going to have to fight at some point by himself.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Back to the Grind
Everybody at my house started back to school/work/activities today. My 5:30 alarm seemed to go off awfully early. But I got out of bed and started the day. There was the usual sluggishness and whining and rushing around to find backpacks and jackets discarded two weeks ago. This whack-o calendar our school district is on didn't let out till December 22nd, but we didn't have to go back till today. I don't like it. This long after the hustle and bustle of Christmas just makes me cranky. I don't need two weeks after Christmas to "recuperate". I need those weeks before Christmas to get things done. All I've done in what seems to me to be an unnecessarily long time off since Christmas is plan all kinds of projects I need to do around my house.
Take this weekend, for example.
Brad took Eli on an unexpected, spontaneous ski trip with some friends of ours. I opted to stay home with Phoebe, because more than I hate too much time after Christmas before going back to school, I hate rushing home from a trip to start school back the next day. There was so much I still needed to do...like take down my Christmas. Since I don't ski, a 14-hour car trip seemed like cruel and unusual punishment for someone with control issues like me.
Staying home was great. I got all my Christmas taken down and boxed up. It's currently all sitting in my living room because I'm so not dragging all those boxes back up to the attic. That's Brad's job. He does manual labor. I clean bathrooms. We all have our rolls in this marriage. Then I re-arranged my craft room. It's much more workable now. And in true IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE style, I decided I needed new bedding for the bed in there and a new way to organize my spools of thread which required a rummage through some vintage quilt tops and a plan on how to finish them and a frame repair. My craft closet needs an overhaul, but that's going to have to wait a week or so. Then I decided I needed to get to work on the un-finished handkerchief quilt my great-grandmother started eons ago. (I never knew her; she died when my mom was in middle school so you know that work-in-progress has been around awhile!) That little project took some serious brain power because her quilt was just a bunch of handkerchiefs sewn together willy-nilly. I'm sure she had a plan, but I couldn't figure it out for the life of me! At this point, I think I've got a plan. The top should be finished in the next day or so and then on to the actual quilting which is a whole other bowl of beans! Then I cleaned my pantry. Mostly just some re-arranging and pitching old stuff, but it made my pantry feel light and fresh and new. Or maybe it just made me fell that way...I'm not sure my pantry actually cared. Oh yeah, I also made sure Phoebe was fed and entertained and even cleaned up some throw-up late Saturday night.
Whew! I need a vacation from my vacation! (How's that for an overused cliche?)
I also decided that we need to do something with Brad's office. We've lived here three years and the only thing on the wall is a Phillies liberty bell sticker. I know Brad wants this to be "his" space and I'm not supposed to touch it, but this is ridiculous. The attic needs a thorough purging and I've ordered fabric for two outfits for Phoebe and two more quilts for Eli's room (he wants to re-decorate it). I also came across THIS and decided I need to file all those manuals we have stuffed in a kitchen drawer (or two). Seriously, I should not be left alone.
When I get like this it frustrates me that I can't work faster or that there aren't enough hours in the day. As if I can fix any of that. My normal routine seems to put a kink in all my "nesting", but there's really no way to avoid this. All I want to do is get things done and ignore my children and dinner and laundry and all the other everyday stuff. But I have to remind myself (quite often) that these things are the reason I get up every morning. Not so I can accomplish the things I add to my own to-do list, but to love my family and serve them and bless those around me everyday. I need to take a deep breath and re-prioritize a few things. It'll all get done. Sometime.
In the meantime, we'll get back to school and preschool and ballet and Cub Scouts and everything else that fills up a life. I'll be able to find an hour here or there to accomplish something on my never ending to-do list.
Happy Monday!
Take this weekend, for example.
Brad took Eli on an unexpected, spontaneous ski trip with some friends of ours. I opted to stay home with Phoebe, because more than I hate too much time after Christmas before going back to school, I hate rushing home from a trip to start school back the next day. There was so much I still needed to do...like take down my Christmas. Since I don't ski, a 14-hour car trip seemed like cruel and unusual punishment for someone with control issues like me.
Staying home was great. I got all my Christmas taken down and boxed up. It's currently all sitting in my living room because I'm so not dragging all those boxes back up to the attic. That's Brad's job. He does manual labor. I clean bathrooms. We all have our rolls in this marriage. Then I re-arranged my craft room. It's much more workable now. And in true IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE style, I decided I needed new bedding for the bed in there and a new way to organize my spools of thread which required a rummage through some vintage quilt tops and a plan on how to finish them and a frame repair. My craft closet needs an overhaul, but that's going to have to wait a week or so. Then I decided I needed to get to work on the un-finished handkerchief quilt my great-grandmother started eons ago. (I never knew her; she died when my mom was in middle school so you know that work-in-progress has been around awhile!) That little project took some serious brain power because her quilt was just a bunch of handkerchiefs sewn together willy-nilly. I'm sure she had a plan, but I couldn't figure it out for the life of me! At this point, I think I've got a plan. The top should be finished in the next day or so and then on to the actual quilting which is a whole other bowl of beans! Then I cleaned my pantry. Mostly just some re-arranging and pitching old stuff, but it made my pantry feel light and fresh and new. Or maybe it just made me fell that way...I'm not sure my pantry actually cared. Oh yeah, I also made sure Phoebe was fed and entertained and even cleaned up some throw-up late Saturday night.
Whew! I need a vacation from my vacation! (How's that for an overused cliche?)
I also decided that we need to do something with Brad's office. We've lived here three years and the only thing on the wall is a Phillies liberty bell sticker. I know Brad wants this to be "his" space and I'm not supposed to touch it, but this is ridiculous. The attic needs a thorough purging and I've ordered fabric for two outfits for Phoebe and two more quilts for Eli's room (he wants to re-decorate it). I also came across THIS and decided I need to file all those manuals we have stuffed in a kitchen drawer (or two). Seriously, I should not be left alone.
When I get like this it frustrates me that I can't work faster or that there aren't enough hours in the day. As if I can fix any of that. My normal routine seems to put a kink in all my "nesting", but there's really no way to avoid this. All I want to do is get things done and ignore my children and dinner and laundry and all the other everyday stuff. But I have to remind myself (quite often) that these things are the reason I get up every morning. Not so I can accomplish the things I add to my own to-do list, but to love my family and serve them and bless those around me everyday. I need to take a deep breath and re-prioritize a few things. It'll all get done. Sometime.
In the meantime, we'll get back to school and preschool and ballet and Cub Scouts and everything else that fills up a life. I'll be able to find an hour here or there to accomplish something on my never ending to-do list.
Happy Monday!
Friday, January 06, 2012
Project 52 Week 1: Resolution
Ok, I know I said I wasn't making any New Year's Resolutions, but I found something that I'm going to try out. PROJECT 52. I'll take a photo each week using the theme as my guide.
This week's theme is Resolution. Since I just found out about this project today, I didn't spend any time thinking about a photo for Resolution. And while I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, I did tell myself that I was going to have my Christmas all put up and packed away before Eli starts back to school on Monday. Guess what I'm doing today and tomorrow.
If you've got a blog, you should join along!
This week's theme is Resolution. Since I just found out about this project today, I didn't spend any time thinking about a photo for Resolution. And while I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions, I did tell myself that I was going to have my Christmas all put up and packed away before Eli starts back to school on Monday. Guess what I'm doing today and tomorrow.
If you've got a blog, you should join along!
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
With This Ring
Remember when I posted about the diamond falling out of my wedding ring? And how I was hoping to get a NEW RING?
Well, I did!
Brad and I went to MARILOFF'S the Tuesday after Christmas and picked out the new ring. Because I was consistently picking out $6000 diamonds and $4000 wedding sets (I have really great taste!), we decided to see what we could find using the diamond from my first ring.
This is what we found. Isn't it gorgeous?! Please excuse my double-jointed fingers. They run in my family.
I *love* this new ring. It's so sparkly and pretty and vintage-y. I still need to get it soldered because the rings keep slipping around my finger and it drives me crazy. I'm taking it in tomorrow and should have it back by Friday.
Here's what it looks like on my whole hand. I usually wear a ring on my pointer finger, but I hadn't put it on yet when I took the photo this morning.
I still have my old bands with the two small baguette diamonds to make into a necklace for Phoebe when she turns 18. I had originally thought we'd give it to her at 16, but then I thought about how careless 16-year-old girls can be and decided 18 would be better.
This ring will be for the next 50 years...or at least the next 11. :)
Well, I did!
Brad and I went to MARILOFF'S the Tuesday after Christmas and picked out the new ring. Because I was consistently picking out $6000 diamonds and $4000 wedding sets (I have really great taste!), we decided to see what we could find using the diamond from my first ring.
This is what we found. Isn't it gorgeous?! Please excuse my double-jointed fingers. They run in my family.
I *love* this new ring. It's so sparkly and pretty and vintage-y. I still need to get it soldered because the rings keep slipping around my finger and it drives me crazy. I'm taking it in tomorrow and should have it back by Friday.
Here's what it looks like on my whole hand. I usually wear a ring on my pointer finger, but I hadn't put it on yet when I took the photo this morning.
I still have my old bands with the two small baguette diamonds to make into a necklace for Phoebe when she turns 18. I had originally thought we'd give it to her at 16, but then I thought about how careless 16-year-old girls can be and decided 18 would be better.
This ring will be for the next 50 years...or at least the next 11. :)
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
I Have No Idea What Happened!
My blogging break has lasted a little longer than I (unintentionally) intended. Partly because there's not much going on around here and partly because I haven't gotten back into a post-Christmas schedule yet. It's coming, I know, but my kiddos are still out of school and I'm sliding into it gradually. So here's a few random thoughts I'm having on this Tuesday night.
* I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions. I usually don't. However I have come up with a long list of "Spring Cleaning" chores I'd like to accomplish soon. These include cleaning out and organizing my pantry. Cleaning out and re-organizing my craft closet. Making new quilts for Eli's bed since we're going to re-do his room soon. Cleaning out the two drawers of manuals we have stuffed in the kitchen. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details. :)
* I just finished the top to my mom's Christmas quilt. It's pretty cute. I'll post photos when it's actually quilted.
* My Christmas decorations are still up. Boo. I'll take them down this weekend when I have a little help.
* While visiting with Brad's brother and sis-in-law, the kids played JUST DANCE for the first time. It was awesome.
* My NEW SHOES came today! I'm so excited! I've reached a point in my life that I have to wear really good support shoes because of my back and this brand is great. So is Christmas money.
* New recipes are coming soon at EATING AT THE TAJ MCCALL. I'm a little behind there, too, but it's coming shortly. I promise.
That's all I got. Hope your 2012 is going splendidly so far.
* I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions. I usually don't. However I have come up with a long list of "Spring Cleaning" chores I'd like to accomplish soon. These include cleaning out and organizing my pantry. Cleaning out and re-organizing my craft closet. Making new quilts for Eli's bed since we're going to re-do his room soon. Cleaning out the two drawers of manuals we have stuffed in the kitchen. There's more, but I won't bore you with the details. :)
* I just finished the top to my mom's Christmas quilt. It's pretty cute. I'll post photos when it's actually quilted.
* My Christmas decorations are still up. Boo. I'll take them down this weekend when I have a little help.
* While visiting with Brad's brother and sis-in-law, the kids played JUST DANCE for the first time. It was awesome.
* My NEW SHOES came today! I'm so excited! I've reached a point in my life that I have to wear really good support shoes because of my back and this brand is great. So is Christmas money.
* New recipes are coming soon at EATING AT THE TAJ MCCALL. I'm a little behind there, too, but it's coming shortly. I promise.
That's all I got. Hope your 2012 is going splendidly so far.
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