Quote of the Week

"I love people. I love my family,my children- but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." Pearl S. Buck

It would have been amazing not just to recognize the words that give voice to my soul, but to actually speak them. That is the mark of a true poet.

Mommy Confessions

I had peach cobbler for breakfast...and I'm not even going to justify it.

I haven't spent any time working on my house. Well, except for buying all the appliances for the new house yesterday at Sears. I think it might have been the most money Brad and I have ever spent in a day not including house or car purchases.

My plans for today include a stop at Starbucks and a pedicure.

I have felt extremely guilty for enjoying the time away from my babies. We've left the children before with both sets of grandparents, but usually we were going somewhere on vacation. I haven't spent that much time at my house without my children in the last five years...and I've discovered I really, really like it! I haven't even missed them that much. I'm pretty sure that makes me a "really bad mom."

I'll see them tomorrow and it will be a glorious reunion. In the meantime, I've got to stop blogging so I can fit in all the other things I had planned to do while my children were away!

A Full Weekend

I feel very satisfied this Sunday evening.

On Friday, my sister flew into town to pick up my children and fly with them back to Dallas for the week to visit my parents. Eli was so excited to see his Aunt Carrie and had planned all the games they were going to play when she got here. Thank you Aunt Carrie for playing multiple rounds of Hungry, Hungry Hippo! The three of them flew out early Saturday morning and I'm already missing my sweet Phoebe hugs and my crazy conversations with Eli. (On Saturday morning, I was getting ready for my garage sale and Carrie was getting the children ready to go. Eli looked out the window and exclaimed in a very frantic voice, "They are selling all my stuff!" We weren't...only his little baby toys he hasn't played with in four years.)

My friend from college, Jenny, came into town to help me out and just have a little "girl time." She was my first real friend at college and it was fabulous to spend the weekend with her. She came to talk and help and just to be my friend. I think she is one of the most compassionate and positive people I have ever known and I just soaked up that time with her. I loved going to the grocery store with her (twice!), having deep conversations while sitting in the shade of the garage during my garage sale, lots and lots of Sonic Diet Cokes, and just talking and talking and talking.

I had a garage sale. We gave up when it got too hot and we found ourselves scooting farther and farther into the garage, but I did make $141.20. We sold alot of junk and then we hauled the rest off to Goodwill. Not too shabby for a morning's work.

We cleaned out the playroom. I waited until my children were gone so Eli could not proclaim that every broken toy from McDonald's was his favorite. I even made the executive decisions about which (few) toys they would play with until we move. The rest were boxed up and sent to storage, but it will be like Christmas when we finally move!

I cried through yet another sermon on prayer. At least this time Jenny was crying with me so I certainly felt better about myself.

Tonight I will sleep the rest of someone who has worked really, really hard. There are still things to be done to our house, but my part of the to-do list is getting shorter and shorter. We still have to finish cleaning out the garage, but we'll finish that this week. Brad still has some things on his part of the list (I will not be scraping and repainting the trim!)and most of that involves small maintenance repairs. There is still packing and moving left to do, but it doesn't have to be done before we put the house on the market.

Brad mentioned in passing yesterday that he thought maybe we should wait a few more weeks to put the house on the market because he was worried it was going to sell too fast. I almost strangled him!

My Fearless Phoebe

We went to the pool on Tuesday afternoon after replacing the knobs in my kitchen and bathroom and taking down all the family pictures off the walls and refrigerator and cleaning out Phoebe's closet. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Liz! I could not have done it without this very driven lady. It was two days worth of projects done in one morning.

This is what Phoebe did while we were cleaning out the closet.



She played with markers for the very first time! Notice the marker on her face. :)

This is how Phoebe celebrated the day's accomplishments.



I think she might have run through this water a couple dozen times. I can't imagine what it did to her sinuses!



This baby is fearless!

Watering The Grass

I watered the grass today. I've never enjoyed doing yard work and to be honest standing at my back door aiming the hose at the far fence probably doesn't count as yard work, but I have come to enjoy it. I think I enjoy it in part because it's quiet and it's lonely and it's outside. (Despite what all my friends think, I do like to be outside...I just like to enjoy it in a lounge chair by the pool or someone's back patio!) My children are not allowed in the back yard right now because Brad laid new sod and they are not allowed to walk on it...hence the watering. It's quiet and somewhat meditative and I can actually hear myself think. As usual, I have a lot of thoughts in my head just running around chasing each other making me crazy. Today I was thinking about my sweet friend, Stephanie. She might be one of the most amazing women I have ever known and I know her pretty well...I even know the bad stuff! :) She is honest and open and strong and faithful, even through (or maybe because of) the death of her husband at 29. We often talk and more often than not, we talk about "where we are" spiritually. Even though our paths have been through different valleys, those valleys bring us together. The hurt and the pain lead us to wonder and question this God we both profess to believe in. So that's what I was thinking about today as I watered the grass. Where am I and what do I plan to do with it?

There was never a time in my life that I doubted He existed. I was blessed to be born in a family where He was talked about often. God felt like a member of our family because I knew that everything we did as a family was guided by Him. I do not doubt the stories in the Bible are true. Every man, woman, and child in the Bible lived and breathed and did exactly what it says they did. I still don't doubt that God is real...that the Bible is real. I find it impossible to believe that there is no God. It sounds preposterous...like one might doubt the existence of the sun or the moon. So, I guess that's something. I know He exists.

But where does that leave me now? I have never been one to think that God allows the bad things to happen so we can learn something. When I had my first cancer at 11, this was one of the things I struggled with. Why me? What did I have to "learn" to get better? Here's what I know now: Why not me? Why not you? And more importantly, pain will come to you because it comes to everyone. Pain is what unifies humanity. If you are human, you will hurt. But what does that say about God? I'm not sure. I think He feels my pain. I think He loves me. (Good heavens, there's that whole verse in John that explains it so it must be true.) I'm not quite sure what He does with my pain. He certainly doesn't take it away. I am learning more and more that He uses the pain and anguish to show His perfect love. Seriously, I find Stephanie's faith so much more real and tangible because of Keith's death than if he had lived. She has faced her greatest fear and she knows that God stood with her. Will she tell you this? No, she only tells you about the doubt and the anger and the mistrust and the fear (that's why we're such good friends!) but even in all of that I see a faith that shines through the hurt...and she still does hurt. A lot. So maybe we'll just stay here for the day. I know that God is unchanging and steadfast. He has not changed; only I have. My faith is not solid or strong or big or righteous. It's small and hurt and immature, but it's still there. Maybe that's all that is required of me at this season in my life. Maybe I can just be still and silent and stand in Him and it will be enough...for now.

What do I plan to do with this?

I have no idea.

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." Job 13:15
Thanks, Steph!

Just Whistle While You Work

The last few days have been painfully the same. Work on the house, work on the house, more working on the house, with a break to work on the house. At Eli's well-check this afternoon, the doctor asked him what he had been doing all summer and he said, "Going to the pool and working hard." Poor guy. I have a list entitled "Things To Do On The House Before We Put It On The Market"...it's a very exciting list to be sure. We've gotten some things crossed off and we are working on others so I don't feel quite as overwhelmed as before. Everyday I try to cross off at least two small things while working on the big things. I know which is which because big projects are in bold and the small projects are not. (I get a charge out of crossing things off a to-do list.) So far only one big project has been finished, but my friend Liz is coming over tomorrow to help me with two big projects and then we are taking the kids to eat lunch. I feel that one should always reward oneself for things accomplished. All this being said, there are really no stories to tell or pictures to post about the children. I will try to do better in the next few days...we might even do something fun!

I'll just leave you with a picture of Phoebe and a bad case of bed-head. (Her hair doesn't usually look this crazy...she pulled her little pony tail out during her nap!)

No Results Yet...Just Too Many Thoughts

My PET scan and CT scan went fine...well, actually they went better than fine because at both scans the nurses were able to get my IV in on the first stick! That's pretty amazing considering it always takes it two or three sticks to find a viable vein. I have terrible veins and I always look like a sprinkler when I leave...a very bruised sprinkler because not only are my veins hard to find, they "pop." We don't have any results yet. My doctor usually calls me the day after my tests to tell me that they "look good" or whatever, but he is out of town. I have to call his fill-in today to get copies of the CD to send to Boston and Dallas so maybe they will let us know something.

The rest of my day was not so great. The barium that I drink for the CT scan makes me really nauseous. Basically I just have to let it run all the way through my system before I feel better. Yesterday that happened about 6:30pm so most of my day was spent lying down feeling miserable physically and emotionally. The physical part I think everybody can understand...it's the emotional part that I think does more of a whammy to my life. I feel useless and weepy and out-of-control and a failure as a wife and mom. All of these worries and fears and feelings are like a giant weight pressing me down so I can't just lift up my head and shake it off like a dog would water. I cannot tell you how I long to do that. How I long to put on a positive attitude and be that person that everyone looks to says, "Wow, how does she do it? What an amazing testament of faith." It seems the more I pray for His joy to well up inside of me, the harder it is to see Him. The more I want to draw near to Him and let His peace fill me, the farther away and lonely I feel. It was one of those days where I literally just wanted to curl up in a ball and have everyone leave me alone...including my precious children. Then the guilt sets in. If I truly believe that I may not have much time with my children, then shouldn't I want to make the time that I do have special and meaningful and full of "legacy-leaving" things? Shouldn't I want to be like Jochebed, Moses's mother, who only had a few years with her son, but who inspired him to be a man of faith and character? She didn't let her situation overwhelm her and then take out her frustration on her children who are only in the wrong place at the wrong time. Brad is usually very good at picking up my slack. He's the one who rescues the children from having to fend for themselves and takes them to do fun things while I feel miserable, but yesterday he was on a business trip. Eli and Phoebe spent the day fending for themselves. Eli got their lunch out of the fridge (bologna and cheese) and entertained Phoebe most of the time. I managed to pull out a box of crackers from the pantry and they snacked on those until Brad could get home with dinner last night. I'd love to say that yesterday was the only day they had to do this, but it wasn't. It's just one of many and every one of them is like a grain of sand slipping through my hand and when it's gone, it's gone. I cannot get it back and I cannot change it. I did nothing yesterday to shape my children's spiritual or emotional future...well, nothing good, anyway. I can try to make up for it today, but I'm now overwhelmed by my house that I feel the need to find some semblance of order or I'll go crazy. More than I already am! :) You can imagine what my house looks like after a day of unsupervised children. That, coupled with the fact that I feel like I'm two days behind on getting my house ready to sell, and the house makes me feel like I'm standing at the edge of the ocean watching a giant wave approach that I know will overtake me and knock me down and I feel powerless to move to higher ground. Will it ever stop? Will I ever find a time when I feel like I am standing on a higher ground and things seem a bit more level? I also watched an old Oprah show yesterday. It was the one with Kris Carr and Randy Pausch. Both are living with terminal cancer. Carr made a documentary called "Crazy Sexy Cancer" and Pausch's last lecture at whatever university he taught at has been an internet phenomenon. I watched it thinking that maybe it would be encouraging. It wasn't. Both spoke of living in the moment and taking everyday for what it's worth and basically made me feel even worse. I just watched it and cried and cried because I'm not where they are and I don't know how to get there. I do not have a peace that passes understanding and I don't feel wrapped in the arms of God who longs to do just that. Mostly I just feel adrift and miserable.

I don't write this so that all my friends and family can call me to "cheer me up" or offer to pick up kids, clean my house, do my laundry, etc. (In some ways, I feel I have to do them myself as punishment for feeling the way I do...probably doesn't make any sense to anybody else, but I already told you I was crazy!) Even if you wanted to you couldn't because Phoebe misplaced my dead cell phone yesterday while she was playing "Empty Mom's Purse Because She's Not Looking." I write this, I guess, as a form of therapy. As a way to be vulnerable because I don't know how to do it in real life and I so want my journey to be authentic. Maybe I want others to know that pain is real and tangible and I have no idea how to deal with it...mine or anybody else's. I am unequipped to do anything but throw up my hands in hopelessness. Maybe that's where my steadfast, unchangeable God lives...in the pit of doubt and worry and pain and anger. I know that He has not changed, only I have and it magnifies the fact that maybe I didn't know Him as well as I thought I did in the first place. Maybe this is where true "knowing" starts. Anybody got a map?

Starbuck's and Scans

I got to bed really, really late last night...like, 11:45!

Please stop laughing. It was pretty late for me...I'm usually in bed around 9:30 or so and asleep by the local news (or the local news puts me to sleep...there's a lot of weather coverage around here). What's even better is what I was doing until 11:45pm. It's not what you're thinking and get your mind out of the gutter. I was at Starbuck's with a group of gals from my Sunday School Class. Wild and crazy, right? Anyway, we decided to have a Girls Night Out so we went to Starbuck's around 8:00ish and just hung out and drank coffee and talked. I know it's a stretch to imagine seven women just talking for four hours, but we did. We covered all important subjects like who was taking what aerobics class, what children were having their tonsils removed, Brazilian waxes (no one was getting one, but one of the gals does hair so she was filling us in on how they are done and why she does not perform them herself...a very wise decision we all agreed), and what brand of at-home tanner was the best. Then there were the really important conversations about one gal's brother who is very, very sick and her feelings about that, how the death of a sibling affects all the other family members, why some people can be more positive about life than others, and so much more. I soaked up every moment of it. This past year has been really hard on my friendships. So many times I feel lonely and isolated by all this cancer stuff. I feel like the world thinks things are fine and I am doing well when most often I still feel like I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety and pain and anger. I can only put my "normal" face for so long and then I just want to climb in bed and pull the covers up over my head. It's hurt my friendships. It's hurt my marriage. It's hurt my children. But I don't quite know how to "make it better." I think I've forgotten how to be normal. Then again, who really knows what "normal" is anyway. I long for really intimate, spiritual friendships with other women, but I don't have the energy or the time or the courage to be vulnerable enough to cultivate them. It was lighthearted and fun and helped me reconnect (even if just a little bit) with some of the women who share a season and a time with me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On another thought, I have a PET scan today and a CT scan tomorrow. It's already been three months (and two weeks) since my last one...time flies whether you're having fun or not, I guess. The PET scan is not so bad except that I couldn't eat any carbs or sugar after it was scheduled yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, the nurse called just after Eli and I had finished making Rice Krispy Treats. It was exceptionally disappointing. I guess I'll just have to eat them today after my test. Surely this is an excuse to eat the entire pan, right? I can't eat after 9am this morning, but I can drink all the water I want. Yeah. So I loaded up on eggs and bacon for breakfast and we'll just have to wait and see how cranky I am by 3ish when the test will be finished. The CT scan is tomorrow at 8:00am. That's not so bad except for the nasty, nasty barium they give you to drink. I'll be NPO after midnight tonight, but the scan should be finished by 9:30 so we'll just go get a big brunch after that. Then it will be waiting for the results and then hounding the doctors for their input and getting depressed when they say there's no change. It's just so much fun. I will try to be better at posting what the doctors say about this round of tests. They said everything was "fine" last time and I just wanted it all to be "great" so it was disappointing. I will be filling my time today before the PET with lots of ironing (why, oh why, do all little girl clothes have to be ironed?!) and then "pruning" my closet. I keep it mostly clean, but it just needs a little pruning to get it ready for the BIG DAY. It's going to be a fun-filled few days, to be sure.

Just Call Me Catherine*

We went to look at the house today. Brad thought it might be good motivation to get us moving on the stuff that needs to be worked on here at the house. It was a great thought, but I still needed a nap when I got home. I did, however, fold an entire mountain of laundry so I think that should count for something. At least now Eli won't be wearing his Batman costume out in public tomorrow...unless, of course, he wants to!

Here's a pic of our house from the road. I think it looks a little Wuthering Heights-ish with it being to overcast and all here in the Panhandle. (I mean, seriously, it didn't even get up to 80 degrees today...there is something really wrong about that!) Well, minus all the mesquite trees and yuccas, too. Really, you're just going to have to use your imagination.


This picture was taken from about halfway up our front "lawn." If it looks like our house is two different colors, it's because it is. The painter had to paint the dormers before the roof was put on, but he can't paint the rest of the exterior until the porches are finished. It will eventually be all white like the dormers. Notice the garage doors. Those doors are the product of no less than 847 conversations about windows vs. no windows, black or white, and noticing all the garage doors on every house whenever we went anywhere for a week. Who knew garage doors were so fascinating?


Today was the first day I saw the house with actual sheetrock for walls. It completely changes the house and gives us a good idea of what it will eventually look like. This is our upstairs playroom.


Brad and Phoebolicious on the stairs.


Eli in his bedroom on the window seat. Phoebe has a matching one in her room, but we weren't actually letting her walk around because of all the drywall dust. It was always a dream of mine as a child to have a window seat in my bedroom where I could sit and read. See that little cubbyhole at the bottom? It's for books. Hopefully at least one of my children will enjoy this, too. If not, they have great window seats in which to throw things off the roof.


This is my kitchen! The door on the right is to Brad's office and the door on the left is to my pantry. The half-wall looks out over the living room. I took this picture standing from the back door off the living room.


This last picture is of the living room and the fireplace. I took it standing behind the half-wall and you can sorta see where the sink will go. It's not a great picture, but I'm sooooo excited to have a real fireplace in which you can actually have a fire. We have a lovely "mock fireplace" in our house now. Apparently they were all the rage in the late 1940's, but it does make for some cold winter evenings.


While previewing this blog to make sure everything was alright, I realized that these are probably rather uninteresting pictures to the rest of the world, but it took too long to actually post them to remove them. Sorry.

* Catherine was the heroine in the book, "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte. I wrote this here for you, Dixie! :)

I Haven't Left The House In Four Days

It's true...and I think my children are getting cabin fever. Oh wait, I did have a eye dr. appt. on Monday that I made it to, but that's about it. I have had a particularly bad Gleevec week and most of my week has been spent lying or sitting on a heating pad and popping Advil. That being said, I felt waaayyyy better yesterday and today and even managed to make dinner and unpack the kids from our trip yesterday and today we are going to venture to Target. I don't think I'm quite up to a big trip to the grocery store or Wal-Mart, but a smallish trip to Target for two birthday gifts is right up my alley. Seriously, when have I ever turned down a Target run? Then, tonight while Eli is at a birthday party, we are going to look at new appliances and washers and dryers for the house. Yeah!

I think of some of my not feeling very well comes from the fact that Brad said we are going to put the house on the market in three weeks! Three weeks!! My slight anxiety at cleaning out and moving is amplified by the Gleevec because one of it's side effects is anxiety (no joking) and it makes my insides quake and I start sweating bullets as soon as I think about moving. Oh, the actual day doesn't bother me. It's the cleaning out closets and drawers and garages and organizing and keeping the house clean and showing it to people and then worrying about when it will sell and about what if it sells before our other house is ready and what happens if it doesn't sell and then actually moving and then unpacking and organizing the new house that overwhelms me. I mean literally overwhelms me. Trust me, it doesn't take much these days. I told Brad I would make a list of everything that needed to be done in next three weeks. I haven't done it yet, but I can't decide if that will help me feel that it's manageable to just throw me into a stupor where all I can do is stare at the wall and babble. I'll let you know.

In the meantime, I have an ungodly amount of laundry to do (it's bad when your five year old says, "Mom all the clothes in the hamper are overflowing to the floor.") and I should probably unpack my own clothes. I wouldn't want to get too ambitious though! :)

Fourth of July Recap

Okay, I realize this is a few days late, but if you saw the condition of my house, you'd forgive me. Or at least feel very, very sorry for me.

We spent the July 3rd and the morning of the 4th at Ute Lake with Brad's family. I love to go the lake. I grew up "laking" and there is nothing like it. I love the sun, the water, the skiing (it might be the only thing I'm better at than Brad), the tubing, the falling asleep on a moving boat...it's all great. I even waterskiied for the first time in eight years! The water was absolutely frigid, but I felt like I had to prove myself.


See, I can even jump the wake.


I didn't try slaloming this trip because after three minutes of this my legs were shaking and it took me three days to recover. I haven't been that sore in a looooong time. I think this gets me another eight years.

Brad even made it up this trip. This is only his second time, you know.


Eli even rode in the inner tubes this trip! I was so proud of him. He's usually so fearless about everything, but he had a little mishap the first time he climbed on the tube. Brad caught it all on camera because he was trying to take a picture of Eli...we couldn't have caught these pictures again if we tried!

Uh Oh!

Nobody was injured, although there was a lost swim shoe and Eli might be the only child scared of a still inner tube. He's fine if it's moving, but he starts to freak out if it sits still too long.


He even rode with Brad, Morgan, and I across the lake. Here's the difference between tubing when your 12 and tubing when you're 30...stuff "jiggles" and "jostles" alot more at 30!


(Not being very photogenic to begin with, "lake" pictures are always especially bad!)

We left just after lunch to drive back to Amarillo so we could cook-out with our friends, the Woods, and watch fire-works. Well, actually Brad and I did no cooking out, but we did eat some of the best burgers I've ever had...way to go, Josh! The fireworks were magical (as they always are) and Eli has asked every night since if we can go see some more fireworks. He's not grasping the idea that he has to sleep 350+ more days before we see fireworks again.


Watching the fireworks. Yes, I am wrapped up in our picnic blanket because it was that cold...regardless of what anyone else says!

And We Still Let Them Out In Public

After dinner at a local Mexican food restaurant.





In our children's defense, Brad and I agreed it was one of the most pleasant "eating-out" experiences with our children. Everyone ate most of their food (well, except for the food they were using for their body art), nobody threw a fit (not even me), no one had to be threatened within an inch of their life to stay in their seat, stop throwing food, or to please stop blowing bubbles in the sprite, and there was even pleasant conversation. I think we should just give up going to any more restaurants for the rest of the year because you know it will never happen again.

When exactly did we stop thinking beans and ice cream smeared all over our children was disgusting and start taking pictures?

"Smooshies" and The Writing On The Wall

Eli: Mom, can I have dessert?
Me: Sure. What do you want? (Keep in mind, there aren't many choices.The cupboard is pretty bare around here.)
Eli: Can I have a "smooshie"?
Me: What is a "smooshie"?
Eli: You know. Those things that Nena likes with the marshmallows and the chocolate that are all smooshie.
Me: Oh, do you mean a s'mores?
Eli: Yeah! Can I have one?

Of course I let him have one...and I think "smooshie" is a much better name for them anyway. Whoever heard of a s'more? Or a mom that will actually let you have "s'more"? Eli has no idea that these are traditionally made over a campfire because there has always been a burn ban when we've gone camping. He thinks you make them in the microwave. Try it sometime...the marshmallow does this really cool "puff" thing!

After the smooshie incident, I walked back into our bedroom to see this:


Eli saw me notice it (and probably the smoke beginning to come out of my ears) and said defensively, "Mom, I couldn't reach the paper because it was up high!" Luckily, it cleaned up with wet wipes...those things sure are handy!

I'm Still Here

We are still here. I've been a bad blogger of late and hopefully when we get back home and have some semblance of normality, I'll get better. Then again, summers rarely have any normality at all so that may be a pipe dream.

The kids and I are still Albuquerque enjoying a week with the in-laws and cousins. Brad is at home by himself. I think he's ready for us to come back, but maybe he's just enjoying the quiet. That's a rare commodity around these parts with two grandparents, four sister-in-laws, and ten cousins. Although, me and my children are the only early birds so while we are awake and rarin' to go at 6:30am, everyone else is still sleeping off the really late night. Oh well, there's time to sleep when we get home and have no one to play with! :)

I've had a little time to read these past few days and I've finished "The Pact" by Jodi Piccoult (does anyone really know how to pronounce her last name?) and two children's books my mom recommended. "Edwina Victorious" by Susan Boonners (it was okay) and "Fame and Glory in Freedom, Georgia" by Barbara O'Connor (it was great). I am trying to read "I Am Legend", but it creeps me out so I can't read it before bed so it slows down the reading considerably. I'm also working on "Atonement" and I'm having an exceptionally hard time getting into that book. Hopefully it will pick up soon.

Until I get home, things will be a little sporadic...please don't stop checking! :)