Mission Impossible: A Mother's Day Card

There are two types of moms in this world.

Those that like a sweet, syrup-y Mother's Day card. And those who like a funny, tongue-in-cheek Mother's Day card.

My mom? She's the latter. It's not as if she doesn't want nice things said about her and to her, but making her laugh is waaaayy more important. Bonus points if you can do both at the same time!

It makes finding Mother's Day cards a little frustrating. I know. I tried.

It's not as if just any old card will do. There are certain standards. Take this card, for example.


Just gag me now, please.

Here's a card that just perfect for my friend, Dixie. She's a huge Elvis fan. And when I say "huge" I mean "takes-family-trips-to-Graceland-and-the-only-book-she-reads-is-about-Elvis-and-I'm-a-little-surprised-her-oldest-child-isn't-named-Elvis-huge".


But my mom is more of "Peter, Paul, and Mommy" kind of gal.

There were several cards along the lines of this one.


But they just weren't right.

Ooohhh! This one is sparkly! With vintage-inspired pictures!

Oh wait. It's dumb.


This one looks funny. Old pictures always mean funny cards.


However, anybody who thinks one meal in a restaurant makes up for everything that moms do, I'm here to tell you, this card ain't gonna cut it. I don't like this card on principle.

This is, by far, the funniest card of the bunch. It made me laugh out loud.


But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings this Mother's Day.

So I left empty-handed. Sigh.

If I were designing a Mother's Day card, it would read "To My Mom on Mother's Day" on the front and it would have a picture of my mom from the early 80's on it. It's one of my favorite pictures of her. She was outside on some big rock in New Mexico in cut off shorts, a tank top, and Dr. Scholl's sandals (I still remember the slap-slap sound they made when she walked). She had a bandanna tied around her unruly hair and she just looked so carefree and beautiful. (I don't have a copy of this picture or I'd post it.)

The inside would read:
"Thanks, Mom, for everything. And I mean every. little. thing.

For giving me a figurative kick in the pants when I needed it and a hug when I didn't.

For sticking up for me when my 7th grade P.E. teacher thought I was stealing stuff from the girl's locker room and defending the teachers all the other times I thought they were being unfair. They weren't

For making a bed-shaped birthday cake when I had a slumber party and never putting raisins where chocolate chips should go.

For teaching me the importance of well-written thank you note and zero tolerance for misspelled words.

For showing me the beauty of old, well-loved objects and that things are beautiful if you love them.

For sewing countless dance costumes when I was in high school and now dresses for my daughter.

For reading me "The Garden of Abdul Gazazi" and "In The Night Kitchen" and "Pierre" and for keeping a home filled with books.

For teaching me how to make homemade biscuits and that pie crusts from scratch really do make a difference.

For collecting "Got Milk?" ads and stocking your pantry with oddball snacks. I'll probably throw them all away when you get Alzheimer's, but I'll always remember the quirky, fun, creative side of you that not everyone gets to see.

For teaching me how to live with strength and grace and love even when life doesn't turn out the way you think it will. Because it never does.

I hope you have a wonderful day and you get that toe-ring tattoo you've been wanting. I love you."


Have you seen a card like this? Anywhere? I didn't think so.

What would the perfect card for Mother's Day for your mom say? Did you find one at a store that would work? Because I didn't.


Happy Mother's Day, anyway, Mom.