Today has not been a good day. When I woke up this morning, my back and hips and knees and ankles ached and that is never a good sign. Since they've been working on my bloodcounts, I've felt pretty good the last few weeks. (My white blood count and hemoglobin is still low, but my iron and B-12 levels are up.) However, the Gleevec still has side effects and they still kick my rear every once in awhile. My back and hips ached so badly this morning, I had to take some pain killers...which made me nauseous and "headachy." After spending most of my morning on the couch with heating pad, I rallied for a little dress-up time with Eli and Phoebe (that girl really knows how to accessorize!) and then lunch. About lunch, my painkillers wore off and now I'm back on the heating pad. My sweet, big boy Eli got his sister out of the barstools, helped her wash her hands, got her into her bed for naptime, gave her a paci, and cleaned up the playroom without complaining or throwing any fits. Maybe we will all survive his childhood!
I write all this to say that I'm in a better place emotionally than I was a year ago. Maybe even six months ago. I think maybe I've just accepted the fact that this is how my life is going to be. I'm going to get fatigued. I'm going to feel bad. My back is going to hurt. I'm going to feel like I've failed my children and my husband. I'm not going to be able to do all the things I want to do all of the time. But who doesn't feel any or all of these things? Is there any woman out there who feels she has done everything in her life %100 perfectly? Are there any moms whose children are perfect and they do not lie awake at night thinking of all the ways they are to blame because their children are not? Are there any women who feel like there isn't a never-ending list of things to get done? Any women who feel they are able to invest in every relationship they have to the fullest? I may have cancer and my life may be full of more doctor visits than most people's, but my life is still life and everyone has one of those. I'm here and I'm doing my best. Maybe I don't have to be Mary Poppins (you know, practically perfect in every way). Maybe clinging to the edge of the Cliffs of Control is actually making me more crazy than just letting go and realizing I might just be wearing a parachute. Maybe my children will only remember the good things and Eli's brain won't turn to mush if he plays the Wii this afternoon for an hour.
My laundry and fridge-cleaning and bathroom cleaning and Spring Break packing can all be done tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a few pictures I took a week or so ago when the weather was beautiful. Today it turned cold again so this is all we have to remember those wonderful, almost-spring days of last week. Maybe that's why I feel so bad today. I soooo don't like cold weather!
9 comments:
So sweet!
Love you! And you are pretty darn close to perfect in my eyes!
Carrie
Jordan,
You are doing exactly what God has planned for you. I admire you for all you do to be a super mother and wonderful wife. I regularly read another blog where the young woman (who is just a few years older than you) has a crippling disease. She has allergic reactions to the outside air and cannot leave her condo. Yet she writes wonderful inspiring blog posts. I don't want you to think I'm comparing you to her but I think you might enjoy her blog - gitzengirl.blogspot.com
Hang in there - Gay
Excellent post!
Hope your started to feel better today.
I think something that makes one of the biggest impact to kids is if their parents are present...whether you are present by taking them on some exciting outing, present by just hanging out with them, or present by interacting with them from your station on the couch.
You are an amazing mom and an amazing friend. Thanks for being you! I love your sweet kiddos too!
One of these days, we are going to chat. When are you leaving for spring break and where are you going??
I agree! You are one of the BEST Mom's I know! I think you are fabulous! I'm lucky that both my boys got to learn from you :) Miss you!
-Michelle Pankey
Hey there,
Just a note to let you know that all parents carry the same insecurities, and they never eally go away. We all wonder what "damage" we have done by raising our kids under the burden of our own character flaws. Even when they are grown, we wonder what time bomb we have planted all those years ago...ticking, waiting to explode.
I'm sure there is some oddities that we pass on to our kids, butlife experiences and their own stretch to maturity minimizes the impact.
There is not much I can say, we seem to all be born with this particular insecurity, maybe it is just us wanting the best for those who follow. You are fine, the kids are fine, Brad is fine.
Hop U fell beeter soon.
Love you, see you soon.
Dad
I so enjoy reading your blog. It is so easy to tell that you are a wonderful mother and wife. I hope you are feeling better soon!
I SO know what you mean! All we can do is to do our best and pray that God will give us wisdom about all of this parenting stuff. I never realized until I had children how much guilt goes along with it. Excellent post!
J, Those are PRECIOUS pictures! I love Phoebe drinking about of the spiket (sp?). You have quite a knack (sp?) for photography. Man, I'm a terrible speller! You're a wonderful mom & wife.
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