Be Still My Soul

A few weeks ago our preacher preached a sermon on patience. It was hard to hear, to say the least. Impatience is one of my biggest faults...if not the biggest. All this cancer stuff has been especially hard to deal with because I just want to do something big, wipe my hands, and be done with it. This waiting and praying and wondering is awful. Sometimes I wish I could just take a little peek at five years down the road and know that it will all work out alright. Life doesn't work that way. God doesn't work that way. His timing is not our timing. It is a hard and painful lesson to learn...maybe someday I'll actually "get" it. At the end of the sermon, the praise team sang the beautiful hymn "Be Still My Soul." I don't know when it was written (except that it's old) or the story behind it. I know that it reached in and touched my heart. I am a word girl. I love books. I love stories. I love poetry. I just love words. Most often, I am brought to tears by the old hymns because the language is so rich and beautiful. (Not that the "new" songs aren't beautiful, as well, I just seem to connect with some songs more than others.) "Be Still My Soul" is one of those songs. I've sung it before, I knew the words, but this time they spoke to me. I've reflected on it many a time in the last few weeks. Two days ago, my uncle sent me a letter with the same song written in it. He felt it on his heart to share the song with me...unbeknownst to him that I already had the song playing in my head the last few weeks. It was pretty cool. So here are the words. Sing them if you want, but drink in the words.

"Be still, my soul
The Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul;
Thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul;
Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

The Results Are In...

I finally heard from my doctors in Boston yesterday. I'm sorry it took so long to post something, but we are still playing a little catch-up from the weekend. You'll all be happy to know that I have finished my last load of laundry and will get it folded tonight. Unfortunately we are still wearing clothes so it starts all over again. Anyway, back to the important stuff, the short explanation to what the doctor said is that he was happy with what he saw on the scans. Here's the longer explanation. The tumor on my liver that was 3 inches x 3 inches in March and 1 1/2 inches x 1 1/2 inches in July (he chalked up most of that shrinkage to blood draining away from where the tumor had been) is now 1/2 inch x 1/2 inch. He is still not sure if the tumor is still losing blood that it had seeped making it appear smaller or if the tumor itself is shrinking. Either way it's good news because it is not growing. The other tumor in my liver that was 1/2 x 1/2 inch looks somewhat smaller, although not significantly, but it isn't any bigger. What they thought was a tumor on my spleen is looking less like a tumor and they are unsure of what it is. It could be scar tissue or a bowel loop or some other words that I can't spell much less remember. The "spot" on my lungs is still unknown. It hasn't gotten any bigger or smaller and they still don't know what that is. He mentioned a few more words that I don't remember that it could be, but they are not too concerned about it unless it starts to grow or change, which it hasn't. This is all very good news. I will continue taking Gleevec for 3 more months at the dosage I am currently taking and will do another CT scan and MRI in three months. He talked some about staying on Gleevec for the rest of my life to keep new cells from forming and keeping the tumors that are already there in check. They are very good at making patients feel important and cared about. When he was asking about my side affects and I explained them to him, he said, "I wish there was some way for you not to have any side affects." I was just struck at his empathy. However, I feel like if the Gleevec is working then all the other stuff is just something I can learn to deal with. I just need to redefine what "normal" is for me. Maybe it's something akin to what people suffering from MS go through. They just have to readjust they way they define "good" and "bad" days. Who can really say what "normal" is in the first place?

Thank you so much for your prayers! I know they have made a difference and I ask that you continue to pray for my family and my marriage as we learn to deal with this and a life on chemotherapy.

Ear Infections and ACU

The lack of blogging has been due to Phoebe's first ear infection. It's also my first ear infection as a mom. Eli has never had one so this is all new. Ear infections are no fun. I am sure that all the hundreds of moms out there reading this are wondering why I felt the need to state the oh-so-obvious. I'm not sure, either, but I have now joined the ranks! She was diagnosed last Tuesday after I took her home from KU with a fever of 103.5. That scared me a little so I called our doctor who diagnosed the ear infection. She had fever on and off for a few more days and she HATES the antibiotic she's taking. Most of last week she just wanted to be held. Here is my mommy confession: I kinda secretly enjoy when my children are sick. I hate that they feel bad, but all they want to do is be held and rocked by their mommy. It's just such a sweet time because they aren't wiggling or squirming or fussing...they are just being held. When the fever finally went down it wasn't quite as sweet anymore because then she wanted me to hold her standing up and walking around. She still has a few more days on her antibiotics, but she is definitely feeling better.

Friday after lunch we headed down to Abilene for Homecoming. As usual, I didn't take near the pictures I should have, but it was great. Brad and I LOVE ACU. We both have so many good memories that I could spend an entire blog writing how wonderful that school is. It's just so unique! We made it for the carnival this year and were really surprised at how good it was. They had bounce houses, a petting zoo, face painting, big slides, and fair food...need I say more? It was nice because you got to see all of your long lost friends and their children without having to wrestle your children or keep them distracted. Such a great idea. Eli even got his picture taken with the "big rat" otherwise known as Willy the Wildcat. Of course, it was not on my camera so I cannot post it on this blog. You'll just have to imagine. Eli loved the parade. No pictures though. He spent the entire time standing in front of a bunch of people we don't know because the sun was in his eyes and he kept moving farther down to get it out of his eyes. I still think the Christian Village float is my favorite. They give away lots of free stuff. I think I wound up with seven highlighters that read "Retirement is the 'highlight' of my life." You might think they were a little hokey, but it saved us during lunch, dinner, and church the next morning when Eli was getting a little bored. They were triangular and had a different color marker on each point. He was fascinated. We got to catch up with a lot of people we hadn't seen in months. I was absolutely amazed at the number of people who went out of their way to tell me that they were praying for me and my family. I was so dumbfounded that most of the time I sounded like a nitwit at best or insincere at worst. People that I was convinced that I remember them from ACU, but that they didn't remember me told me that they read my blog and prayed for me daily. When Eli went to the Children's Worship at Highland on Sunday, the girl in charge told my mom that she recognized Eli from my blog (and that he was cuter in person) and I don't even know her at all! I am truly humbled. So here is what I would like to say to all of you who read this blog: Thank you for blessing me with your time. Thank you for remembering me and my struggle and my precious family in your prayers daily. I feel the burden of all this lift a little when I know that others share in my misery. If nothing else, this weekend opened my eyes to the number of prayer warriors I have on their knees for me. As for that, we have not heard anything yet from my doctors in Dallas or Boston. We sent the films to them Friday a week ago so it's not unrealistic that we haven't heard anything. Thank you for asking and praying. Hopefully we’ll know something in the next day or so.

There is one picture that I got from this weekend. This is a picture of my grandparents, Grady and Margaret Jolly, with my children. If it looks like Grandfather is trying to restrain Eli it’s probably because he was.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It really is the most wonderful time of the year. I'm not talking about the cool crispness that is (finally) in the air or the wonderful fall dishes that I am suddenly craving or all the exciting prep for the holidays or the snuggling up under the covers with a really good book...even though I do love all of those things. I'm talking about the arrival of the holiday Coffee Mate creamers at the grocery store. Pumpkin Spice, Peppermint Mocha, Gingerbread...YUM. (I'm not a huge fan of the Eggnog.) I love Starbucks as much as the next girl, but there is just something about pouring your own steaming mug of coffee and adding those delicious flavors without having to change out of your pajamas and get into a cold car. It was a glorious day when I spotted those creamers in the "special" middle aisle at Wal-Mart. You know, the place they reserve for all things seasonal that you just cannot live without. (I think they do that so you'll walk around the store for twenty minutes looking for what you need because it is not in the logical place with all the other creamers...I'm not a huge fan of Wally World.) Sometimes you just have to sit back and appreciate the small things that make life great. Like holiday coffee creamers.

Here are a few pictures for those of you who only check my blog to see my children. We wouldn't want a grandparent revolt or anything.

Eli and Phoebe "playing" cars.



"I'm pretty sassy with my bow to one side!"

Yet Another Pumpkin Patch Post

It seems like all my friends with children are blogging about their families trip to the Pumpkin Patch. I didn't want to be left out! Also, we have the BEST Pumpkin Patch to go to when we head to Albuquerque each fall. Brad's brother and his wife run the McCall's Pumpkin Patch just east of Albuquerque on I-40. It's AMAZING!! My parents met us there this year to experience all the fun and we had a great weekend.

Opps...

The time on my post this morning was correct. Our computer has been saying it was two hours earlier so I thought it would say that I had posted at 4:30am instead of 6:30am. I really was blogging at 6:30am and I had been up an hour. Morning is my very best time!

Test Day

I have two tests scheduled for today. A CT scan at 9am and an MRI at 1pm. We prabably won't know any results until the middle of next week at the earliest. Both tests have to be read and then sent to Dallas and Boston for the doctors there to look at and evaluate. While I'm not looking forward to either test (the stuff I have to drink for a CT scan is the most vile stuff on the face of the Earth), it shouldn't be too hard of a day. Thanks so much for thinking of me! Oh, our time on our computer keeps defaulting back to an incorrect time. I posted this early, but not that early! :)

Life On Hold

I feel like my life is on hold. Or “paused” as Eli would say. When we left Boston, we were so excited that they had told us to “live life.” We didn’t know that living life was impossible with cancer constantly looking over your shoulder at everything you do, playing a part in every decision you make, making itself a presence in every single day. It’s hard for our family to move on or look ahead because of the absolute uncertainty. Can you imagine your life with no future plans? Instead of purposefully making goals for our family we wait around for the next big, bad thing to happen or the next round of tests or the next doctor’s visit. Our calendar is empty after December…it’s about as far in advance as we feel like we can plan. Even thinking about Christmas is hard. I usually love all the planning, all the giving, all the family, all of it. It adds a new level of heartache to try to plan a holiday that your children will really remember because you don’t know how many you have. We have been told time and time again to “live for today.” It’s good advice. Really it is. But living only in today is kind of dreary and tiring. I know that each day is a gift and I have been blessed with each and every one that I get to spend with Brad and Eli and Phoebe. I just feel like it puts so much pressure on each day and I don’t have the energy to make every single day meaningful and rich and full for my children.


Maybe I’m just tired. I’m tired physically and emotionally and spiritually. I’m tired of the dishes and the laundry and the picking up. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay. I’m tired of feeling like everyday is wasted. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of wrestling with my faith everyday. I’m tired of seeing myself for who I really am and realizing that I am so far from the heart of God that I don’t know if I can spend eternity in a place where I feel like a stranger. I’m tired of missing my children’s childhood because I am so worn out that all I can do is lie in bed. I’m tired of feeling like my marriage is hollow because we are scared to talk about what might happen. I’m tired of the things that I truly enjoy being a burden because they interfere with what I think I should be doing. I’m tired of people telling me that I’m doing too much. I’m tired of secretly feeling like I am. I’m tired of aching muscles and a quesy stomach and irritated skin and swollen eyelids. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing my children because Eli doesn’t know his letters and Phoebe never has any tummy time.

Maybe I should just take a cue from Eli and go to bed at 7:30. Gotta love those days when he doesn’t take a nap.

My Husband's A Hero and Other Stories

Yesterday afternoon we had a brief thunderstorm. Since we live West Texas, any kind of rain causes the streets to flood...especially in the older neighborhoods like where we live. Last night after dropping Eli off at church and heading back to the house for Huddles, Brad drove across an especially deep dip in the road in front of our house. Something moved in the rushing water. He pulled over to investigate and saw it was a very tiny, very waterlogged black kitten that was about to get run over because it was in the street. He picked it up and brought it home. At this point, he just left it outside. In his mind, he had saved it from drowning so his duty was done. (I could go into a "church" analogy here, but I won't.) I told him he had to bring it inside so we could figure out what to do with it after Huddles. After all, you can't save a cat from drowning and squishing just to let a dog eat it. When Eli got home from church, he was enamored with the kitten and the story. After Brad told him what had happened, he said, "You saved it?! From drowning?! You are a HERO!" Brad was beaming. Then we figured out that the cat was REALLY tiny and couldn't eat solid food. Great. I spent the evening feeding it with a medicine doser. I put up some really fancy homemade posters this morning, but nobody called. I even took it to KU today, kept it in my classroom (in a box), and fed it all day long. Eli told his teachers that now we had two babies at our house. He named the kitten "Pickle." Now,I am not a cat person. I'm really not much of an animal person in general so there was really no way we were keeping this cat. Thankfully, a friend (who is much kinder than we are) asked around at work and found a new home for the baby kitten. I dropped it off this afternoon and I feel pretty good about myself.



Funny Phoebe story of the day. Yesterday morning I made some cupcakes for Eli to take as snacks for school. I told him he could have one since we had a few extra. He took a few bites and then had to walk away for some terribly important reason. This is what he found when he got back.



Don't be fooled by the innocent face. She had chocolate on her hand and her bottle. She didn't eat any, though. I guess after she decimated the cupcake, she wondered what all the hype was about and moved on to other more interesting things.

Sittin' Pretty

Look who sat up by herself yesterday! She only sat up for a minute or so (long enough for me to take about six pictures), but it was very exciting.