Matters of the Heart

When Phoebe was 2 weeks old, Brad took her to her first pediatrician's visit. (You can read about those adventures HERE.)She mentioned to Brad that she thought Phoebe might have a heart murmur. In all the hustle and bustle of that time, we completely forgot about it until her 2 month appointment with our pediatrician here in Amarillo. Our doctor here mentioned that she heard something "abnormal" with Phoebe's heart (she didn't think it was a murmur), and sent us over to the pediatric cardiologist. An echocardiogram and an EKG revealed that Phoebe had a hole in her heart.

I remember sitting in the doctor's office, holding my baby, while the doctor explained all of this and feeling a huge weight of worry and fear settling down on my shoulders.

It was diagnosed as ASD, or ARTERIAL SEPTAL DEFECT. The hole was about 1 cm in diameter, which doesn't sound so big until you think about the fact that Phoebe's heart was only as big as her teeny-tiny fist. He told us there wasn't much we could do right now because her heart was too small, but they'd continue to do check-ups and echocardiograms every six months to watch her progress and growth. Then they sent us on our way with a pamphlet all about ASD.

I immediately read through the literature and googled it. Not a good idea because there are all kinds of scary things medical things on the Internet! Symptoms ranged from lethargy and failure to thrive to respiratory infections and shortness of breath. Phoebe was our calm, go-with-the-flow child and we constantly wondered if it was personality or if her little body lacked the energy to do big things. We were told that in a few years, she would need surgery to repair the hole, but it would have to be done in Dallas or Houston because that's the only places it was done.

And then we waited.

Her heart didn't seem to cause her any problems. In fact, the pediatric cardiologist said he was surprised she was as asymptomatic as she was. She a tall, healthy girl. She's not prone to respiratory infections. Her energy level is great! So great, in fact, that I worry she'll become even more active after her surgery and then Lord, help us all! But the hole is still there. And it still needs to be fixed.

A few months ago, we began talking with the pediatric cardiologist in Dallas. The surgery date is set. Monday, January 31st and Children's Medical Center. On one hand, I'm glad to get it scheduled and take care of this little problem that causes worry and fear to nestle (while not as big) on my shoulders. On the other, I'm a little nervous about heart surgery on my baby.

Part of me wants to downplay the whole heart surgery thing. It's only an overnight stay in the hospital. They aren't cracking open her chest, instead going up through an artery in her leg. It's no more a big deal than getting tubes in her ears. She's going to do great. And then there's the part of me that's screaming, "THIS IS MY BABY! THEY ARE MESSING WITH HER HEART!! SHE'LL BE UNDER ANESTHESIA AND WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN!!! SHE HAS TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!"

It makes this mommy's heart go cold when I think about what could happen. I second-guess myself for letting Eli stay home with a family friend so he won't miss a week of school because what if something happened. I wonder if this little hospital stay is going change our lives forever like the last time one of our family stayed in a hospital in Dallas. But then I shake myself out of such morbid reveries. I tell myself that I'm just indulging in my flair for the dramatics and that everything will be fine. Just fine.

It's funny, these matters of the heart.