So Proud Of My Boy

Just before the world went crazy, I had meant to post about how proud I was of Eli. His teacher had selected him to get the "Got Get 'Em Award" for his class for the second nine weeks.

I think I just about fainted when Mrs. Grider told me she had selected him. Our Eli? Are you sure? She said he had been working extra hard in class and she wanted him to know that she'd noticed.

How proud were we of this little man?

I have to apologize for my photos. I was sitting in the very farthest bleachers from the front of the gymnasium and I haven't quite figured out my zoom lens yet. Also, the Academic Pep Rally had a Groovy Sixties theme, hence Mrs. Grider's Sgt. Pepper jacket.

The "Go Get 'Em Award" winners were presented with special Blackhawks bracelets (similar to the LIVE STRONG bracelets) and I'm pretty sure Eli hasn't taken his off since. Sometimes he wears it around his ankle, though.

There's a part of me that wishes I weren't so astonished when Eli accomplishes something like this. That I should expect him to make the All A Honor Roll every time and for others to constantly recognize how helpful and smart and polite he is. But that's not Eli. Because of who he is and (in larger part) because of how we've parented, Eli doesn't stand out in these ways. One has to look be willing to look past the inattention, strong-will, relentless persistence of whatever gets into his head, and rough edges to see the beauty underneath.

I am so grateful that we were blessed by a teacher this year who does this.

Way to go, Eli! I pray that you continue to surprise us each and everyday with what God is doing in you.

Show and Tell: The Skirt My Mom Made

Phoebe's favorite color is purple.

My least favorite color is purple.

Go figure.

Phoebe has been lamenting lately that her wardrobe lacked a lot of purple and it made it her sad. How could I not find something purple for the girl? So I found some fabric that was a purple I could live with and I really liked the pattern. I got it all cut out and ready to go...and then the INCIDENT occurred. It put me way behind in the Works In Progress department.

Then my mom saved the day. She whipped this little skirt in no time flat. She also helped me with the t-shirt, but by that time, I was using my shoulder a little bit more.

Phoebe now has some purple clothes. And she convinced her Nena to buy some more for her while she was here. Her wardrobe has a definite violet hue now!

I used the GRACIE pattern from Portabello Pixie, but I can't find it online to give you link. I did make a SKIRT last year from the same pattern that I just loved and it didn't fail me this time, either. (And how much better have my photography skills gotten?!)

Phoebe kept posing so I keep snapping. And don't worry, I made her wear some leggings under that long skirt because I was afraid she'd be cold.

This is a close-up of the shirt. I used my new ACCUQUILT GO! BABY QUILT CUTTER to cut out the BIRDS and the CIRCLES. I can't wait to get to use it some more, but since I still have a "bum" shoulder, I'm having to rest more often than usual.

It turned out even cuter than I thought it would and it makes my baby girl happy so it's a win all around. Thank goodness for Nenas!

Project 52: Shadows

I'm linking up again with PROJECT 52. I missed last week (SELF PORTRAIT) and now that I've missed, maybe that fear won't be hanging over my shoulder now. I'd like to make it up, but since I don't like taking photos of myself or having others do it, I'm not sure how motivated I'll actually be to getting it finished.

The theme this week was a hard one for me. (And I didn't really get it until this morning when I headed over THERE what she meant by "shadows". I guess I'm just not that into Groundhog Day.)

Let's be honest, here, the last two weeks have been just plain hard. (You can read about those HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.) Seizures, hospital stays, shoulder dislocation, insomnia, withdrawal, anxiety, and depression tend to make one a tad bit cranky.

My world has been turned upside-down.  There's no equilibrium.  I feel like things are spinning out of control and I don't know what to do about it.  The depression symptom knocks me hard and flat and leaves me where I can't catch my breath.

Brad made me go outside on Wednesday. He went through some depression just after we were engaged and my cancer came back the second time. He knows that a little sunshine and change of scenery can do wonders...like the West Texas wind blows the cloak of depression off your shoulders for a bit.

He was right. (How annoying is that?) I watched my daughter, still in her jammies at 2:00 in the afternoon, tumble and twist on our backyard fort.  I watched her lose her equilibrium and spin fast just to lose her balance (and if you know my Phoebe, who's a bit of a klutz, you know it didn't take much!) and flip upside down just for the fun of it.

This photo reminded me of these last few weeks. My life is a shadow of what it used to be. I feel upside-down and turned around having lost any sense of life balance tossed around by the cold, strong winds of life.

But yesterday was better. And maybe today will be better still.

Baking With Phoebe

For obvious reasons, there weren't too many photos taken the last week and a half. It's not the best time to capture for our family. However, we did manage to capture a few good memories. Before last SATURDAY NIGHT, I had planned on making an apple-cherry pie with Phoebe. She loves apple pies and I had found a new RECIPE in the latest Southern Living magazine. We were going to make ours more like pie than cobbler, though. After my shoulder dislocation, I knew I wasn't going to be doing any kind of baking in the near future.

Thank God for Nena's!

She made the pie and let Phoebe "help". Phoebe is still in that stage where it's a lot of work for the adult who bakes with her, but Nena did it with grace. And the pie turned out fantastic!

I'm now in love with frozen cherries! I was hesitant at first, but these blew me away.

Here's our adapted recipe for Apple-Cherry Pie.

Apple-Cherry Pie
5 large Braeburn apples, peeled and cut into slices
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/4 cup flour
1 (12 oz.) package frozen cherries (I found these at Wal-Mart)
1 tsp. lemon zest
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 cup butter (approximately)
2 homemade pie crusts (We have our own recipe, feel free to use your family recipe or a store bought crust...whatever)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Stir together in a large bowl, apples, sugar, flour, cherries, lemon zest, lemon juice, and cinnamon. Let stand while preparing crust. Roll out half the crust into a circle and place in a greased pie plate. Crimp edges. Pour in apple filling. Dot with butter. Top with second crust (either a full pie crust or a lattice-work...whatever floats your boat). Bake for 40-50 minutes or until golden brown and bubbly.

*Place a cookie sheet on the rack under the pie so you don't get goopy, pie filling drippings all over the bottom of your oven.


I had also promised Phoebe that we'd make "Pokey Things" (aka Haystacks) sometime in the next week, too. Luckily Grandaddy stepped in to help with that, too. I was trying to take a nap while this was going on, but there was way too much giggling to sleep. My mom snapped a few photos with her camera and I love them.

I think this one is my favorite.

The final product. These just might be my favorite cookie of all time so, of course, I'm posting this recipe, too!

Pokey Things
1 cup peanut butter
2 cups butterscotch chips (I just a whole package...it might be just under 2 cups)
4 cups chow mein noodles (I use a little more than this because I don't want my pokey things to be too drippy. Usually just a whole bag of noodles. Just stir it together and see.)

Melt peanut butter and butterscotch chips in a large bowl in the microwave. Stir in chow mein noodles. Scoop by spoonfuls on to wax covered cookie sheets, making little piles. Place in the fridge until firm. After that, you can transfer to a tupperware container for storage, but they need to stay in the fridge.

I'm Still Here

I'm still here.

I know there are many of you readers who wondered if I'd ever post again. You wondered if I'd slipped into some kind of downward physical whirlpool of soreness and depression. And I'm not too sure I didn't, to be honest. But things seem a little bit better. They always do in the morning. The last few nights I've slept relatively well. I'm usually a pretty deep sleeper...just ask Brad and how many times a week he wakes up with our little NIGHT WALKER and how many times I don't! I think it has more to do with my shoulder getting kinked and starting to hurt as opposed to the effects coming off the Tramadol because I fall back asleep pretty easily. The world has a much brighter outlook in the morning when one has a good night's sleep behind them. As the sun sets, though, the anxiety and depression seem to start sinking in. I can feel it fall upon my shoulders as the night falls upon the world outside my front door. I've never experienced anything like it, and it gives me more compassion on those suffering from depression and anxiety. It feels almost like an out-of-body experience. There is absolutely no reason to feel anxious and teary and yet I do and no amount of positive thinking can change that. It's debilitating, to say the least. I can only hope that each day will bring a little less of this feeling than the day before. Yesterday night was worse than the one before, but we're going to blame that on the fact that my shoulder hurt a lot more than the night before. It's seems to be more sore at the end of the day than at the beginning. (And nobody give me a lecture on doing too much because I stink at "resting" and "sitting still"!)

Before I realized that most of my emotional state could be attributed to withdrawal, I thought it was due to the realization of how helpless I really was without use of my right arm. I had a pile of projects to complete in my craft room and around the house and I couldn't get them finished. That in and of itself is enough to send me into a tizzy on top of the emotional roller coaster I was still on. I keep hearing INIGO MONTOYA'S voice in my head, "I... am not left-handed!" every time I find yet another thing I'm unable to do myself. I've been blessed by friends coming over to clean and bring dinner every night and "babysit" me those first few days when things were a bit crazy and take and pick my kiddos up from school. I haven't spend a day alone since last Wednesday. My parents and Brad have taken the lion's share of that responsibility. My mom came in last Thursday night and left Monday night (after changing her plans and missing work for me) and my dad came in Saturday morning and will leave tomorrow morning. It just worked out that he was going to be in the Amarillo area on business...it's been planned for weeks. I am praying and praying that my emotional and physical state will even out a bit and I can start doing things on my own and not feel helpless and overwhelmed most of the day. I'm devoting today to see if I can get some little things done around the house. No major housework, just some finishing up of things that I've meant to do for the last several days. I feel like I've missed a month of life. I've learned that hospital stays can do that to a person. The outside world seems to stop and all you can focus on is what is happening to you and your own isolated little world. At this point, my shoulder and neck and arm just feel sore all the time instead of the sharp, radiating pain from before. That's progress, right? I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor next Tuesday so we'll know more then.

And how have Eli and Phoebe fared in all this? In their own unique ways, of course. :) Phoebe is unflappable like her daddy. They both seem to weather life's little storms with a certain shoulder-shrugging grace as if it's just something they need to do. It's funny, but in her daily life, the girl is a bit of a drama queen. THIS print seems to sum it all up. But in times of stress and uncertainty, she calms down and keeps a level-head. Go figure. Eli, on the other hand, is more like his mama. In times of stress, he's either all up or all down and can't seem to find his equilibrium. He doesn't sleep well. The smallest things set him off. He cannot handle any slight change to what we've told him the schedule is or what he thinks it should be. This last week and half has done a number on my not-so-little guy. I'm hoping to have a Family Day on Saturday to spend some much needed time together with all of us. Hopefully it'll help reset Eli emotionally. I'm not sure there's much more than time and structure that will do that for him.

Our little family still needs your prayers. I am positive and upbeat now, but I fear the falling night every night. I keep telling myself that there's going to come a night when I don't feel like crying for no reason. My babies need your prayers and my husband, more than any of us, need your prayers. But no matter what, I keep telling myself that despite all we're dealing with, I'm still here.

I'm still here.

The Rest of Our Week

Brad is blogging for me again since I'm still reeling with what we've been through and it hurts my shoulder a bit to type. To tell the truth, I'm a little nervous to put all this info out there because I'm a little embarrassed by it. (I'll post about that in the next day or so.) However, I feel like maybe it's a way to be more authentic and show the "real" me instead of this blog being the "highlight reel" to portray my "perfect life". I'll warn you now: it's a long post. My hubby has lots of words! :)

We rolled out of the ER and into room 20 of the CCU about 1:00 a.m. Another round of intake questions were asked and answered again. More assessing and prodding and by 2:00 a.m. it was time to sleep. Jordan was on some IV pain killers and was resting peacefully. The nurses brought me a recliner and I settled into it for a night of sleep next to Jordan's hospital bed. Unfortunately, I am all too versed in this.

Sunday morning was upon us and we woke to meet our new nurse for the day. Donna was her name and we ended up loving her. She was great and made us feel right at home. Later in the day she even brought our kids two cupcakes. The day would pretty much summarized by the phrase...hurry up and wait.

A good friend called and brought me breakfast. Around noon Jordan was transferred into a wheelchair and taken for an MRI of her brain, with and without contrast. While Jordan was away the hospitalist of the day (she too was great) came by to visit. We discussed Jordan's medical history and the great news that the CT of the brain was clean. She said she would be back later.

Around 1:00 Jordan returned, ate lunch and many friends began coming to visit. Some more friends brought lunch for me, clothes for Jordan, and our kids for a visit. The visit with the kids was good for us but much better for them. After about 30 minutes it was time for them to leave. As I was hugging Eli goodbye he said in my ear, "I'm glad mom isn't dead". No joke Eli, no joke I told him. Eli had experienced a lot of death too close to these events. Two weeks earlier while coming home they came upon a bicycle auto accident where a bicyclist was killed. Then less than a week earlier he had attended MADISON'S memorial.

Later in the afternoon another neurosurgeon friend who read Jordan's MRI texted and told me everything was normal with her MRI. Jordan's shoulder continued to hurt but otherwise we were doing pretty good. About 5:00 p.m. the hospitalist was back and officially told us that the MRI was normal. She then told us she was going to call an orthopedic surgeon to see Jordan for her shoulder pain and a neurologist. About 5:30 one of my orthopedic surgeon friends was in our room examining Jordan. He confirmed the hypothesis that she either dislocated or partially dislocated her shoulder during the seizure because her arms were pulling so hard or when she hit the tile floor. He said he would order an MRI if we wanted to confirm but that the protocol is to keep the shoulder immobilized for about 4 weeks.

We were preparing to go upstairs to the 6th floor when the neurologist came in to visit. Again I explained what transpired but this time in extreme detail. He told us he had read the MRI and there was nothing abnormal. He did explain that possibly two brain lobes in the front may be different sizes which isn't necessarily abnormal but if true after consulting with the radiologist on Monday could sometimes cause seizures. He then told us we would have the EEG completed Monday morning and if clear we would have some tough choices to make about whether to start on a seizure medication or not. He explained that the probability of those who have had one seizure and those who have never had one is the same for having a seizure. Thus, if Jordan began the drugs and didn't have a seizure again one could conclude that the drugs were working but this couldn't ever be confirmed. Then the question is when to stop them, if at all. We thanked him and he left our room.

About five minutes later he walked back into our room but this time carrying Jordan's chart. He asked how long Jordan had been taking Tramadol? Jordan responded since approximately August. Her oncologist prescribed it upon request because she didn't want to rely on a narcotic like hydrocodone for break through pain she experiences from the chemo drug she is on. The neurologist then said, "This drug is known to lower the seizure threshold." I asked him to explain what he meant by that. He then said he sees people who have no history of seizures have them while on Tramadol all of the time. Wow! Almost 24 hours after the seizure we had our first true clue what may have caused the seizure.

A couple of hours later we were in room 607 and settling in for the night. More medical history questions were asked and answered. Jordan was starving and I made a run to the cafeteria for a bag of chips. We were doing better. Jordan seemed to be feeling good and we were relieved to be out of CCU and one step closer to home and possibly have learned what caused the seizure.

Tramadol. We then discussed the pros and cons of going on seizure drugs and he explained the known side effects. Headaches and severe rashes were the known side effects for the drug he uses. The one the hospital uses are anxiety and restlessness. Jordan commented that during her EEG she couldn't sit still and had been anxious all day. She had just chalked it up to being in the hospital and anxious to go home. I called the orthopedic surgeon and asked if we could postpone the MRI of the shoulder and do it as an out patient since the neurologist said we could go home. He agreed and after all of the orders and follow up office appointments were made were were discharged about 3:30. We went and filled our prescriptions and were home by 4:30.

It had been a long two days; however, we were home and we seemed to have answers. I had a meeting at work that night and headed up to the hospital. Jordan was at home crying. Little did we know that crying was going to become the new normal...even as I type.

Monday night when I came home from my meeting and was tucking her in bed she asked me why I was so happy? I didn't know I was so happy but from her perspective I was. I explained that based on the previous two days I was glad to be home and know that the likely cause was something so simple to fix -- stop taking Tramadol. Jordan took her seizure drug and went to sleep. That night Jordan didn't sleep much -- another trend that continues even today.

Tuesday was like all other Tuesdays except Jordan was restless. She was feeling guilty about having had a seizure. She was crying. She was normal. She was up and down to say the least. That night I told her if she was going to continue having these weird mood swings she didn't need to take the anti-seizure drug. We went to sleep without taking it.

Wednesday was about the same with some small improvement over Tuesday. About 11:00, however, Jordan texted me at work and asked me to call. She explained that she had been reading about Tramadol and all the weird side effects she had been experiencing she believed were due to withdrawal from Tramadol and not from the seizure drug. Later that day I read the same and it made sense. Unfortunately, it said that the symptoms could last for up to 7 days or longer. We were on day four.

Later that night around 9:00 p.m. the kids were in bed. I had asked Jordan to show me how to correct the spelling of a misspelled word from my "Seizure" post. She sat down on the barstool in front of the counter where her computer sits and started showing me how to do it. We looked for it and she made the corrections. Then she said, "Um, I'm seeing things.". I replied, "Jordan, are you okay?" She said she felt fine but she was seeing things floating and was pointing around her computer. Then she told me she saw two of me. "Two of me?" I asked. She confirmed and I told her she was scaring me and that I wanted her to keep talking to me. She said, "What do you want me to say"? The tone of her voice was eerily similar to the tone of her voice when she said, "You are Brad" on Saturday night. I asked her if she had taken some medicine recently and she told me she had just taken her chemo, an Ambien and the anti seizure drug.

By this point I knew something was going on that was by no means normal. She was not seizing and she was breathing normal so I was more perplexed than scared. Since I didn't know what was going on and whether she was about to start seizing again I asked her if she could move to the couch. I put my arms under her armpits and raised her up while staring in her eyes. Jordan deadpanned, "Uh, my legs don't work". Her legs were working, but she was shuffling them slowly. We moved to the couch and she laid her head down on the arm. I kept talking to her while holding her hand. I was trying to process what was happening and also trying to decide what I should do in case things went from bad to worse again. I had my cell phone on me. I called our next door neighbors and quickly asked if they would come over as Jordan was acting weird. Then Jordan told me the bowling pins and the cat cookie jar on the mantle were dancing. I said, "They are dancing?" She confirmed. I think I may have even said, "Are you drunk"?

About this time our neighbors came in and she is an eye doctor and did the follow my finger test. She asked if I saw Jordan's eyes flicker up and down as she took her finger above Jordan's forehead. I didn't but upon her second time around I did. She said that this is what the police look for when doing sobriety tests. She said if the eyes flutter like that there is something happening with the nerves near the brain stem of the brain. We all hypothesized that she may be having another seizure but this time a petit mal. I told them to keep their eye on her and keep her talking. She was talking by this time and sounded pretty normal. She was telling them all about her reading this morning about the side effects of Tramadol. I found the number to the neurologist and was working my way through the answering service when Jordan told me she was still seeing two of me and two of Vanessa but not Dave (he was in her peripheral).

I explained to the neurologist what had just transpired. He didn't say whether he thought it was a seizure or not. He told us to make up the dose of missed seizure drugs and to call if something else happened. He also said he didn't prescribe Tramadol so he didn't know about the withdrawal side effects of it, but to ask the oncologist who did.

Eventually Jordan wasn't seeing double or dancing bowling pins and cats. Our neighbors left and when I was talking to Jordan about the events that just transpired she couldn't remember them all although she seemed to be with us the entire time. I ended up calling a friend who is a pharmacists and asked him what exactly was in Tramadol that we could discern from reading the internet. He told us that it is basically a pain killer that treats pain by telling the brain to discern pain differently. To do this it is basically part antidepressant and help a synthetic narcotic like hydrocodone. He said stopping an antidepressant cold turkey like she did could definitely explain her side effects include possibly another seizure. He recommended asking her PCP to to prescribe a small dose of prozac or something similar (antidepressant) to help her step down from the drug. I called our neighbors on the other side of us who is a PCP and he agreed with the logic but since he didn't have a doctor patient-relationship established and thus a chart to document that he was not comfortable doing that tonight but to let him know tomorrow if the neurologist or oncologist wouldn't or we couldn't get a hold of them. We then went to bed at 1:00.

The three days have been about the same....except Jordan had another double vision episode last night right before bed time. This time her voice didn't change and things were not dancing but were instead spinning. Her parents were in for the weekend and came into the room to see it for themselves. After about 20 minutes she went to sleep.

This morning she told me she slept great and it was the best night of sleep she had had all week. She then told me she took an Ambien, anti seizure drug, and chemo right before going to bed. I asked if she was seeing double and she look perplexed. She hadn't remembered anything from last night. Ambien seems to be the link as she had taken it both nights about 5 minutes before seeing double. So, tonight we are not taking Ambien.

So folks, that is a lot but you are now up to speed on all that has been happening. Please pray that Jordan continues improving and that the withdrawal symptoms subside soon. Thanks for all of the food and prayers as we continue to take each day at a time. Monday is day 9 of no Tramadol!

Hospital

I'm letting Brad do the blogging for our most recent hospital adventure.  A dislocated shoulder and other "mess" make me not want to blog too much.  Thanks for praying and thinking about us this week.

We were now heading to the hospital in the ambulance.  I sat next to one EMT on the bench near Jordan's feet as he charted and monitored Jordan and the other drove.  Soon I was receiving text messages from good friends asking where we were. When we would be at the hospital?  I was surprised they knew already.  They reported they were already in the waiting room of the ER.  I sent Jordan's dad a text explaining in short we were heading to the ER in an ambulance because Jordan had had a seizure.  To my surprise he hadn't replied immediately.  I hate sending them such messages and unfortunately have had to make such communications before.  I know they need to know but I always feel guilty about notifying them because there just isn't a good way to explain to them that their daughter is once again in a state of emergency.  Couple this with the fact that they live in the Metroplex and there is noway they can meet us at the ER puts them in a state where all they can do is worry and wait.  Unfortunately we have had to do this twice before.

Others commented they were on their way.  I was sitting on the bench trying to keep my mind from thinking of the worst case scenarios for what caused the seizure.  I was reliving the events that had just transpired in my head.  I was trying to focus on what the next steps would be and not on these terrifying moments.  I couldn't keep focused on any one thing.  Then I finally sent a text to another neurosurgeon friend asking who was on call for neurosurgery.  My fear was that Jordan's cancer may be back (for the fourth time) but this time it is in the brain.   No answer.

We pulled into the ER bay at BSA.  Jordan was unloaded and calmly rolled into the ER.  We were assigned to room 18.  Soon upon arrival nurses were assessing her and asking what had happened.  Since I was the only person who remembered, I was explaining it to them.  They began asking the traditional medical history questions.  For Jordan this takes a while to answer.   The EMT's were disconnecting their equipment and then I noticed the young sheriffs officer was still outside the room.  Our friends who had texted were now coming back to check on us.  It was chaotic.  My phone was ringing.  I wanted to return to the calm of the ambulance.

The EMTs were gone upon a quick signature of something.  Now the Sheriff's officer needed to fill out an incident report.  I heard one EMT say to the nurse because he was the first on the scene he had to fill out an accident report.  Again, I answered and explained a litany of questions while trying to answer the medical provider's questions who were coming in and out like a merry go round.  I signed some more things for him, he took a picture of her right shoulder she was complaining about hurting and he was gone with a quick thank you.

More friends were coming and going. My phone rang and I spoke to my second neurosurgeon friend I had called and learned who was on call.  The call helped.  He explained what tests would be ordered and what to expect.  Not long after this the ER physician came in.  Again I explained what happened but in greater detail while many concerned friends listened.    Time felt like it was standing still but when I would look at the clock we were already two hours after the seizure began.  Jordan's temp was 94.1.  The nurses were trying to warm Jordan up.  She was asking for pain medicine saying nothing was touching the pain of her shoulder.  Jordan rolled out for an X-ray of her should and a CT of her brain.  The ER physician said we needed to make sure the cancer hadn't spread (exactly what I was thinking in the ambulance).

I noticed some other folks from our church in another ER bay down a few from us.  I was in no place to inquire but as those who were coming in to see Jordan saw them I quickly learned another friend of ours was complaining of extreme pains and was about to have an appendectomy.  We were all joking about it being Central Church of Christ night in the ER.  About 20 minutes later it became even stranger when I learned the mother of one of our elder's wives was also in the same little area of the ER.  In fact, I had been starring at her off and on for two hours.  Concerned that we had too many visitors I decided to go to the waiting room and see those who hadn't made it back.  While there I talked to Eli on the phone and could tell he was very concerned.  He told me he had been talking to the family friends who had made it from Tulia by now and picked up our kids from our other neighbors.  Some friends volunteered to go home and get us the basics and bring me back a vehicle and grab me some dinner.  It was 10:00 p.m.

Not long after the plan was made I was called back to Jordan's room because the ER doctor wanted to tell us the results of the tests.  Thankfully he proceeded to tell us the CT of the brain was normal and her shoulder didn't appear to be broken.  Praise God!  We all took a big sigh of relief.

About an hour later MADISON'S father and another friend came to the ER to visit.  I was shocked he wanted to come up and see us given he had just buried his daughter 5 days earlier.  We talked and processed hospital stays.  It put things in perspective for me.  Yes, four hours earlier I was holding Jordan's lifeless body and was scared she was dying, but she hadn't.   We had already ruled out the worse case scenario of a brain tumor.  It was a whirl wind but as we were about to leave the ER for the CCU the worse was over.

Seizure

This past Saturday was like most all typical Saturdays.  A list of honey dos, kids playing with their friends and a few errands.

Then it all changed in a moment.  In one moment a new strange and very scary chapter that was in no way foreseeable was opened.

"Will you cut the pork chops up for the kids"  Jordan asked?  So, I slid into a role I am comfortable and took my spot beside the crockpot and plucked out the top chop and began slicing it.  Jordan was putting the mashed potatoes, carrots and green beans on the plates.  I glanced up and notice across the kitchen Phoebe was sitting at her normal spot at the family dinner table and Jordan had delivered a plate of food....without my pork chops.  Ummm...that is strange I thought.  Then I went back to my task and made a few more cuts before turning my head to the right to ask Jordan if I had sliced enough.  It was at that moment that I noticed Jordan was not responding and appeared like a wax figure but with a slight tilt backwards.

I took a quick few steps to my right while putting my hands on her arms and trying to look into her eyes asking, "Jordan, are you alright?  Jordan are you fainting?"  Then before I knew it she was melting hard to her right and I guided her the best I could to the tile floor of our kitchen.  My thoughts were racing trying to comprehend what just happened...but before I could process my thoughts Jordan started convulsing violently.  A seizure?  What?  Jordan doesn't have seizures was my initial thought.  Phoebe was yelling by this time, "What is happening" over and over.... I don't know is what I was thinking but I was also trying to recall what one is supposed to do when they are in the presence of someone having a seizure.  "Let it run its course".  "Don't put anything in the mouth".  "Keep the person from being injured by their surrounding".   These were all things I was recalling from videos I once saw while attending board meetings of the High Plains Epilepsy Association here in Amarillo about 7 years back.  Never did I ever expect to find myself having to utilize this knowledge.  I pondered if I should have Eli call 911 but remembering talking myself out of it with the aforementioned thoughts springing from those epilepsy board videos.  I decided to put my left hand underneath Jordan's head to keep it from pounding the tile and remember looking down at her chest to see both of her arms folded on it with her hands rolled as far as possible inward looking like two crows feet.  Maybe 30 to 45 seconds had passed.  I was scared.  I was confused.   Then things went from bad to worse.

Again with no foreseeability the violent convulsions stopped.  Just like a great storm that blows through the Texas Panhandle it had come quick, was really violent and then it was gone in a blink of an eye leaving a peaceful calm.  However, this calm was not peaceful at all.  Jordan immediately turned white as a sheet.  Then her lips soon turned blue and I noticed for the first time a red colored foamy substance around the edges of her mouth.  "Eli!  CALL 911 NOW!" I screamed.  Gone were my thoughts about the epilepsy video... instead replaced by my shaky memories of how to perform CPR I had gleaned almost two years ago during my CPR certification class mandated because I work for a hospital.  Time was standing still.  I remember Eli asking where the phone is.  I remember hearing Phoebe's crying.  I remember thinking to myself, "no, no, no, this is not how things are supposed to go...you are not suppose to die in my arms while at home at age 33 in front of the kids for no apparent reason." I was scared. I was beginning to panic and I knew I couldn't just sit by and do nothing so I decided I would do the Heimlich maneuver because just maybe she had taken a bite of food and was choking.  I raised Jordan up and then tried lifting her to her feet but found it impossible considering her body was like a wet noodle.  With me standing over her and her on her knees I tried my best to do two separate maneuvers.  I knew I didn't have my hands in the correct place and I also knew that the chances of it actually helping were slim.  So, I quickly abandoned this approach and lowered Jordan back down now with her shoulders resting on my left leg and her head resting on my forearm.

It was time to start CPR.  I then tried to open Jordan mouth but her teeth were still clinched shut.  I ran my fingers around her teeth trying to pry her jaw open.  "Dad, what is our address?" asked Eli.  I didn't respond.  I was too focused on the task at hand and trying to remember what went first:  breathing or chest compressions.  I looked briefly at her chest and back at her blue lips and white face and remember thinking... once I start this I am going to crush her small fragile chest against this tile floor.    Then just as quickly as she went white, Jordan starting breathing again evident by her color retiring to her face!    I was so relieved.  Her eyes remained shut and I continued trying to open her mouth to see if something was lodged in her airway.  I also started calling Jordan's name loudly -- but there was no response.  I raised my left leg and rested Jordan's back against it.  I remember Eli handing me the phone and I briefly telling the 911 operator that my wife was breathing again all while continuing to talk to Jordan.  I kept saying her name and asking, "Jordan, what just happened"?    The operator told me help had been dispatched and they would check her out and determine whether she needed to go to the hospital and if she stopped breathing again to call back.  I thanked her and hung up.

Soon Jordan was sweating profusely.  I was wiping the sweat from her head and talking to her.  I opened her eyelids and saw that the whites of her eyes looked a weird grey color.  Finally after about 3 to 5 minutes I asked if she knew who I was.  She looked up at me and deadpanned, "You're Brad".  The light was on, somebody was coming to the door!    We continued in this position for another approximately 10 to 15 minutes waiting for help to get there.  I remember looking up at some point and both Eli and Phoebe were standing over just holding one another and crying.  We had just experience a nightmare.  It was not welcomed and none of us could comprehend nor explain what we just saw.  I ordered Eli to make sure the lights were on, to go get my cell phone from the charger in the bathroom and to keep a lookout for the ambulance.

I called my friend who is a neurosurgeon first but there was no answer.  I then thought I needed to get someone to the house to keep the kids because despite what the 911 operator said I knew we would be going to the ER.  I called some neighbor friends who we go to church with.  They answered but said they were driving through Tulia and would be home in about an hour when I asked if they were home.  "Why, do you need something?" she asked. " Why, yes I do."  I proceeded to tell her that Jordan had just had a seizure, stopped breathing, I thought she was dying, and we had called 911 which was in transport.  Next time she will know better to ask that question :-)  She promptly told me not to worry about finding someone who was home because she would find someone for me. We hung up and I went back to wiping the sweat off Jordan's head and asking her what just happened.  She continued to not answer but I kept asking.

About 5 minutes later I received a text that a physician in our neighborhood was on his way to our house.  Good I thought.  In fact, this physician was the general surgeon who was moments away from excising the tumor off of Jordan's liver nearly five years earlier when we were at the ER before the decision was made to care flight us to Dallas for that surgery.  So, I knew he may remember Jordan but at a minimum he was a physician and that was really good.  After about 10 to 15 minutes after hanging up from the operator Eli was saying he heard sirens and saw lights.  The young new sheriff's deputy walked in first.  I quickly gave him the run down on what just happened.  He looked as perplexed on what to do as I did.  By this time Jordan was complaining of her right elbow hurting and was asking me to hold it up for her.  She still looked at me with disgust and confusion when I asked her what just happened.    Next the Potter County volunteer fire fighters arrived.  There was four of them and they started taking blood pressure, pulse, and asking me about her medical history.  Someone was asking Jordan what her date of birth was and she answered.  Uh, I remember thinking because that was a pretty hard question and she answered without pause.  Now she was siting up on the floor with her head in her left hand as her right arm was still hurting her.  I remember smelling cow manure and noticing that the firefighter standing taking Jordan's blood pressure was wearing boots caked in the all natural compost.  I thought...only in Amarillo and also if this didn't wake Jordan up nothing probably was going to.  Later Jordan reported that she didn't recall anything between putting food on the plates and these firefighters standing over her.  She didn't remember putting Phoebe's plate in front of her without food and she didn't remember the next 25 plus minutes (or so) of life changing activity.

Five minutes (or so) after the firefighters arrived another neighbor seeing the commotion walked in the house asking if we needed help.  I gladly welcomed it and told him what had just transpired.  He told me not to worry about the kids and he would take care of getting the house locked up.  By this time the EMTs had arrived with the ambulance and had rolled in a stretcher.  I remember hearing one of the firefighters asking Eli if he was the one who called 911 and complementing him on doing a good job per the operator. Jordan was on the stretcher and the surgeon/neighbor walked in.  He called the ER and told them what had transpired and told them about Jordan's history.  He acknowledged he remembered Jordan from five years earlier (Amarillo is a big small town).   I decided I would be spending the night in the ER or a few days in the hospital and it would be best if I were not wearing Dallas Cowboy pajama pants and flannel lined crocs so I headed to my closet for  a quick change while they loaded Jordan in the ambulance.  As I left the house with a few belongings in hand my two neighbors were cleaning up dinner and the kids were getting their things together to spend the night with someone else.  I gave Eli and Phoebe a big hug and kiss and headed to the ambulance.

Jordan was resting normally on the stretcher as the EMT was starting an IV and asking more medical history questions.  Then we were off to the ER.     The next entry will pick up the story from there.

Brad

Project 52: I Dreamed a Dream

I'm not one to have great, big dreams. I don't dream of changing the world or doing amazing cancer research or anything of the like. My dreams have always been closer to home. I dreamed of being a wife. I dreamed of being a mom. I dreamed of making a house into a home. And ever since I saw Brad's and my sneakers thrown on the floor by the couch during our second week of marriage, shoes thrown together have always represented "together" to me. So that's what I took a photo of...all our shoes lined up on the welcome mat to the house we built together. It's not awesome or original and maybe it's even a little trite, but that's my dream.

See more PROJECT 52 participants here. There's bound to be some more creative than mine. :)

Madison's Cake

MADISON loved pink. It wasn't just her favorite color. It represented who she was. Bright. Bubbly. Beautiful. At her memorial, it was a sea of pink. People wore pink and were surrounded by 500 pink balloons tied in bunches at the end of the pews. You don't see balloons at a memorial very often, but they fit perfectly with this memorial. It was a celebration of who Madison was and what she taught us and who our God is by the 600+ people who attended. We all laughed and cried as her dad and her friends and her sister paid tribute to her with poems and letters and songs. And at the end, we took those 500 pink balloons and released them into the West Texas sky.

Last night was our first Huddle without that sweet girl. We spent time just being together. I wanted to honor her one last time and when I found THIS cake on pinterest, I knew I was going to make it for us. Of course, mine didn't turn out quite like the photo on the blog. (I've told you before I'm not a good baker!)

I envisioned a much lighter pink, but mixing food coloring colors is not my gift. And the outside was browner than I imagined. (My light-colored cakes are always dark on the outside. Do you think it's because I use a dark, non-stick bundt pan?) But the flavor was phenomenal and I guess that's what really matters. Well, that and remembered our sweet friend, Madison. There is no cake, no matter what color, that can fill up the hole that she left.

We miss her dearly.


Pink Lemonade Pound Cake
1 (18.25 ounce) package lemon cake mix
1 (3 ounce) package instant lemon pudding mix
4 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup pink lemonade concentrate
4 drops pink or red food color, optional

Glaze:
1 cup frozen pink lemonade concentrate, thawed
1 1/2-2 cups powdered sugar


Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour one 10-inch tube pan or
bundt pan. Combine the cake mix, lemon pudding mix, eggs, vegetable oil, 1/2
cup lemon concentrate and the milk. Mix until smooth. Pour the batter
into the prepared pan. Bake at 350 for 50 minutes to 1 hour. Remove from oven and prick cake all over with a fork. Immediately about half of the lemonade glaze over top of cake. Let cake stand in pan until almost cool. Invert onto a cooling rack positioned over a cookie sheet (this will keep your glaze from pooling on the platter and spilling over the sides...I learned about this the hard way). Pour remaining glaze all over the cake, making sure it's completely covered. When it's completely cool, carefully transfer to the serving platter. Think of Madison while you eat it and say a little prayer for her family and friends.


** A RECIPE is up over at Eating at the Taj McCall. It's a two-for-one deal today!