When Things Don't Go As Planned

I had big plans for me and Phoebe today. We were going to go to Starbucks (okay, I still did that) and then come home and play together. I was really excited because I was also going to take some pictures of Phoebe just being Phoebe and all the preciousness that she is. Then life got in the way and my plans were changed. My camera is refusing to work today. I really think it's time to break down and buy a new one. (Hint, Hint, Brad) Phoebe has been very congested the last few days...and half the time I forget to give her allergy medicine before she falls asleep. She doesn't sleep well because of this and was up at 4:30 this morning unable to breath well. So instead of playing together like I had planned, she's back in bed and I'm looking at an empty morning. If I tried really hard, I could come up with some things to do. I'm sure I could pack some boxes, but they are in the garage and it's raining outside. My house is clean (well, as clean as I like it, anyway) so there isn't any housework to do unless I just see an overwhelming need to scrub all my baseboards. I don't. I could bake some cookies or banana bread or something, but then I would have to clean up my kitchen and it just seems like a lot of work so I won't.

So here I am, sitting at my computer thinking about things that don't go as planned. We talked about this some with our Huddle kids last night. As a side note, let me tell you that I love our Huddle. I mean, I really, really LOVE it. This is starting our third year with this group. They are turning into some great, deep, spiritual thinkers and I've loved being here for the process. We started with them as freshmen and now they are juniors. I just want to soak up all the time I have with this awesome group of teenagers as we learn to be disciples together. Anyway, two of our girls who play volleyball didn't make varsity this year and they opened up about how hurtful that was and some decisions they were having to make because of it. Decisions to become leaders and have a good attitude and all the things that one learns as one deals with disappointment. I loved their courage to open up about the things that really matter and not "play church." Everybody has dreams and plans and ideas that don't happen for whatever reason. I think most of our human experience is dealing with disappointment and heartache. I haven't figured out how to be one of those joyful people that are just running over with the love that is being poured into them through Christ. I find being a disciple exceptionally hard...I'm probably doing it wrong, but that's another post for another day.

It's funny because another friend and I were just talking about the same thing on Tuesday. We've decided to start praying together once a week. These are not please-pray-for-my-grandmother-because-she-has-a-cold kind of prayers. We want to be honest and open about our walk with Christ, our relationships, and all those other things we usually pretend are great and normal. She doesn't judge my disappointments and my heartaches. She doesn't tell me that I should be grateful for my two wonderful children when I'm mourning the fact that I'm only going to have two children. She doesn't tell me that I could always adopt or that I don't know God's plans or that some people would give their left arm for two children. She just lets me be hurt. And I am hurting. Sometimes it seems like I've been hurting about this one particular thing for so long it shouldn't be an issue anymore. We had a hard time getting pregnant with Phoebe. Some of you will read the words "hard time getting pregnant" and know that they tell a heartbreaking story in and of themselves. Some of you will read those words and think you know what it's like because your sister, friend, whatever had a hard time getting pregnant, but unless you've walked that road yourself, you cannot understand what those words really mean. It's like some sad, exclusive little club that I would rather not belong to. Then we finally got pregnant with Phoebe and I was overjoyed. Sometimes I feel like those ten months were the last truly happy, hopeful time our family knew. Because then I got cancer again and it becomes clearer and clearer that our family is finished. I'm not going to be pregnant again. We are not going to have four children like we had always hoped. Eli and Phoebe will only have each other and there is no one in the middle to bridge that age gap. This disappointment hurts. It hurts alot and I keep thinking it's not going to anymore because time heals all things, right?

So, what do you do when things don't go as planned? I'm not sure. I want to be one of those people who accept it and are so filled up with Christ that peacfulness and contentedness pours out of them. Like that whole Fruit of the Spirit thing. But it's so hard when you feel the hurt like a something gnawing away at the inside of your chest and it just makes you so angry. And I know it's okay to be angry with God. I know that He is a God who can handle our anger and yet still wants to walk with us (or allow us to walk with Him). But how do we "get better"? How do I allow Christ to heal my heart? How do I help but wonder if I will always mourn this and realize how bleak that future looks for me? How do you move on? Are there any books to read? Am I taking two giant steps backward in my walk because I feel/act this way? Is this showing my immaturity yet again?

All these thoughts because I forgot to give Phoebe her allergy medicine. :) I'm certain there were better ways to spend this last hour, but most of them would have involved being productive. I apologize that it took so many words, but it usually does in cases like this. It would make my librarian mother proud to realize that I just spellchecked my post and there no spelling errors!

We Are Very Boring...

Not too much going on here in the McCall house. We've had a fairly uneventful week so far. (Well, except for almost starting a kitchen fire while trying to make gravy for shepherd's pie from a pot roast I made on Saturday.) We don't have any funny stories to tell or words of wisdom or even interesting facts to impart...just same old, same old around here. Sometimes there is such contentment in the mundane.

Our house is coming along. It seems we've hit a point where there is a whole lot of little stuff going on...the trim guy is (finally) finishing up, the painter is caulking and cleaning to get ready to paint, the dirt guy is (still) scraping more dirt from the backyard to even it out and make a bigger, flatter driveway. For some reason, Brad is worried I'm going to back off the edge of the driveway and end up in the neighbor's yard. He has no confidence in my driving. I'm sure I've never done anything to make him worried! :) The only big things to be accomplished since last week are the staircase and the fireplace. I love them both!



Please notice the tiny fishing line running down the middle of the picture. Eli's fishing pole now lives in the attic at the new house and he was "fishing" off from the upstairs railing. We'll have to address that when we actually live there.

I think Phoebe is trying to get about three new teeth this week. She's been very cranky and it's hard to know why she is cranky since her vocabulary is so limited. Sometimes all I know to do is give her some Motrin and put her to bed. It certainly makes me feel better when I'm cranky. I took this picture on Sunday before church. It was good thing I did because she got ketchup on the dress at lunch and ranch in her hair!


Maybe by the next time I post, I'll have some really great story to tell!

A Little Bit Of This And That

This is what I feel most days. (You'll have to scroll down to a few posts ago, labeled "What I'd Like For You To Know: Living With a Chronic Illness" because I couldn't figure out how to make just that one post a link.) She has such frank, beautiful words...way better than my own.

Brad is finally home! Yeah! He was gone all week on a backpacking trip in CO. The kids are excited because they got to stay up until 8:30pm. I've been putting them to bed at 7:45 or 8pm because I've been so tired. It's a great plan until they wake up at 6:15am! It's a viscous cycle. One that did allow us to be at the bagel place (completely showered and dressed) at 8:15 this morning. I think I should I take my children out at this time more often. An older lady said to me as she was leaving, "Your children are so well-behaved." What?!! That has never happened to me before. I had to look around and make sure she was talking to me. She was because I was the only person in the restaurant with children.

A funny Eli story:
Eli: Mom, I'm a really lucky little boy!
Me: Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Eli: I just found half a cookie under the table and I ate it!

Hmmmm. I wonder how long that has been there. I'm not sure if it says more about Eli's "luck" or my housecleaning.

I would probably be a better house cleaner if Phoebe did not dump out an entire jar of green sugar sprinkles on the floor that I had just mopped not 20 minutes previously. We have got to find some better child-safety-locks!

Things I've Learned This Week

It takes Phoebe about ten minutes to empty a mostly full container of Vaseline onto her hair, her clothes, and the tile floor in the bathroom. (I was unloading and reloading the dishwasher.)

It takes at least three washings for Vaseline to come out of hair. We've had very greasy hair the last two days. I'm going to use "grown-up" shampoo tomorrow and see if it will work better.

Vaseline is very hard to clean up off a tile floor. After the majority of it is scooped up with paper towels, there is really no way to get the greasy film off the floor...it just "smears" around. I've tried 409 and it is not as tough on grease as it claims to be. Goo-gone worked better, but don't go into the bathroom with your flip-flops on because you'll wind up on your bottom in nothing flat!

Vaseline turns into little, waxy balls in the washer when clothes covered in Vaseline are soaked in Biz bleach and then washed twice. I'm sure we'll be having washing machines issues any day now.

Phoebe has learned how to open cabinets installed with child safety locks. Seriously, the girl can get into anything! That's where the Vaseline was stored.

Eli can roller-skate. The persistent, stubborn, iron-will-in-the-face-of-adversity side of his personality finally came in handy. Great. I had hoped it would help him stand up to persecution in the world or peer-pressure or when times got hard, but I guess roller-skating it is. We went for the first time yesterday evening and I saw a stubborn set to his jaw that made me so proud...really. Some children might have given up, but not Eli and his will of iron. Sigh.

Picking out lights for our new house overwhelms me. I tried to go today and left the store in a incoherent, babbling mess. This is something I thought I would be good at, but I was wrong. Brad is just going to have to go with me and hold my hand while I make such decisions as two or three lights over the mirrors in my bathroom and whether the ceiling fans should have four or five blades.

My dad has a blog. Wonders never cease.

Pagosa Springs

Over Labor Day, we drove to Pagosa Spring, CO with some friends of ours. It was great (except for the seven hour car trip with five kids!) and now we are home and the laundry is finished. Here are a few memories of the trip:

* Brad and Josh playing horseshoes for two hours! I never knew it could be so riveting.
* Taking the children fishing which was mostly playing in the creek. The children had so much fun and it makes you realize how important it is to just experience life. However, the wet, cold, muddy drive back to the cabin was not quite as much fun.
* Eli asking me (while standing in knee-deep water) if it was okay to get his pants wet!
* The smell of rain from our open windows every morning.
* Eli scratching his eye or something that required an eye patch...it was miraculously healed when we went for ice cream. I've heard chocolate shakes have that power.
* The nature walk that was designed to get the children out of the house because it rained all day Sunday...we got rained on and decided to go for ice cream instead.
* Brad's ingenious idea to set up his backpacking tent inside so the children could play there. I think it saved our sanity.

So to all my family who thought we had fallen off the face of the Earth (no cell phone service), this is what we did. Enjoy the pictures!

First Day of Pre-K, Take 2

Kid University started today and despite Eli's confidence in the above picture, he had a rough morning. So did his mommy. I decided to stay home this year instead of teaching Pre-K again at KU and I think Eli had a little trouble wrapping his brain around this new development. Eli has been attending KU since he was one, and he really, really enjoys it so he was very excited about school starting this year. I had no trouble getting him out of bed and ready for the day. We had our First Day of School Pancakes. We wore our First Day of School Clothes. We took our First Day of School Pictures. His trouble started when we got to class and he was not sitting with his friend, "Corby." Corby was sitting with all his other friends at a different table and Eli's table was full of girls! Now, girls we know and play with are fine, but girls we don't know are girls and therefore unacceptable as table companions. Seriously, he broke down into tears and would not be consoled. I didn't get to take any pictures of him with his teachers or in his classroom because he was crying and Phoebe was using this distraction to pick up the teacher's pen and write on anything she could find. Since I don't know his teachers and they don't know him, I'm not sure how they got him to do what he needed to do, but they did say at the end of the day that he was fine. I'm not sure what that means. Since I'm not teaching at KU this year and both teachers are new, I don't feel like I have an inside track and it's hard to know what really happened and to know how to empower his teachers to make his year successful. It's going to be a learning process for all of us, I'm afraid. My morning was rough because I missed him. I missed checking in on him to see how his day went. I missed running next door to get a quick hug and kiss. I missed knowing what is going on with him. We have been working alot on telling the truth in our family. Eli has a great imagination and I'm thankful for that, but it makes it hard for him to distinguish between fantasy and reality. For example, I asked him if he had asked his teachers to heat up his burrito at lunch today. He said, "Yeah, I asked them and they said, 'Forget it!' but it's okay because I like cold burritos." Hmmmm. Usually, the teachers have no problem heating up food so I'm not sure if he just didn't ask, they've changed their policy, or if he just decided he wanted a cold burrito. I feel certain that they did not tell him to "Forget it!" I guess it's just going to be a year of learning for both of us. Maybe it'll get us ready for real school next year. When we went to pick him up, he was in great spirits! He talked about school with a great attitude and has had a nice afternoon. We'll see how it goes on Thursday.

The Class of 2029

Only continue reading this post if you can finish this sentence:

"Purple, White, Purple, White..."

Otherwise it might be pretty boring and not make too much sense! :)

This morning I decided to take Phoebe's "Born To A Wildcat" picture. You know the one where you dress your child up in her free onesie from ACU and plop her down to take about 34 so you'll have one really, really good one to send to the alumni association in hopes that it will make the ACU Today? If you are an exceptional planner and/or you have a lot of friends with babies the same age as yours, you can get them together in their onesies and take the pictures. That makes you a shoo-in for the ACU Today. Unfortunately, I'm not either of those things so we just had to wing it on our good looks and talents. Fortunately, Phoebe has both in abundance. :) Here are just a sampling of pictures from our backyard this morning.

We were practicing our Wildcat hand sign. Apparently, we need to work on our fine motor skills.

She's quite the little ham when it comes to taking pictures and she just posed and posed and posed. I didn't have to encourage her at all!




This one is my personal favorite, but it wasn't the one I sent.



This is the one I sent to the Alumni Assoc. We were yelling, "Go ACU!" It was very exciting!



About this time, Phoebe lost interest in posing for all my pictures and noticed the bubble machine that Eli had left outside yesterday. Now, she didn't know it was a bubble machine (I haven't been too great about getting out this summer...good intentions, right?) and it was sheer wonder when she pushed the button!






Now the onesie is covered with dirt from rolling around on the floor while Eli was in gymnastics and ketchup from Burger King. It will probably never be the same again. It's good I got so many pictures, huh?

**Update: I heard back from the Alumni Association and the picture that I sent was too fuzzy. (I'm very sad because it was the "cutest" one.) So I sent the first picture on this post...hopefully it's less fuzzy. If not, then I guess I'll proceed to take about 34 more pictures of Phoebe in the backyard when she gets up from nap. Surely the dirt and ketchup won't show up too much, right?!

Before and After

This is what my computer cabinet looked like yesterday morning.



I know, it's a little embarrassing that we let it get to this state, but in our defense, it was the "catch-all" spot while we were trying to get our house in ready-to-sell-mode.

Here is a picture of my computer cabinet yesterday afternoon.



So much better!

Today I'm going to clean out the fridge.

This is a picture of two confused little boys...but, boy, did they have fun!!

Whew!

**Update: Ding, Dong the mouse is dead! I heard the "snap" of the mousetrap sometime early this morning and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Brad took the mouse away while I was in the shower and all is right with my world again!

What a weekend!

I think my "weekend" really started on Thursday night. We had Eli's five-year-old pictures taken by a friend from church. I am perfectly aware that Eli turned five in June and this is now August...but at least it's not December. (They turned out spectacular, by the way!) She takes those artsy, architectural pictures and when she suggested that we head out to an old, burned-out homestead, I thought it sounded pretty cool. Then she mentioned that we both needed to wear long pants and tennis shoes with socks. This probably should have tipped me off, but I was oblivious...as usual. When we got there, I had to drive through the MUD! I don't mean the mud like you find on the street after a big rain or even the mud you find in your backyard after a deluge...I mean the kind of mud that cars get stuck in forever! Never fear, Ashley drove first and neither of us got stuck. Then we tracked through weeds as tall as I am to find these burned structures. I say structures because there was a house, a pump shed, a barn, a basement, a garage, and a wooden train car. It made for some very cool pictures, but we did find a dead baby bird in the bricks and a dead "monkey" (I think it was really a squirrel or a rabbit, but I didn't investigate further). I really flipped when we walked right by a rattlesnake! No joke. Ashley was very cool about the whole thing and just picked up her pace a little bit. I, on the other hand, started running, and it was probably a good thing that Eli was way ahead of us or I might have just left him behind. I never claimed to a great mom! We finished up the pictures and, like I said, they turned out great. I'm not sure how I'm going to choose from the 150 that she took because they are all pretty wonderful. When I got home, Brad informed that a main water pipe had busted and he had to turn off the water to the house...before the kitchen had been cleaned up and the children got baths. This is when the big, giant toad jumped out at me as I walked back to the house. I might have overreacted, but in my defense, it was dark and it was a big toad!

Friday morning, we all loaded up and headed to the hospital where Brad works out to steal a shower. It took forever. Then we had to take my car to the dealership because it wasn't running correctly. We enjoyed breakfast at BK because the water was still off and the dishes were still in the sink. Then I got to take Phoebe to her routine chest x-ray where I waited two hours in the hospital waiting room. I understand that we get a huge discount because Brad works there, but seriously, two hours!! We swam after that for the last time because there wasn't anything else I could really do while the water was turned off. They spent the afternoon running an emergency line to the house so we would have water this weekend (thank heavens) and it was finally turned back on around 4pm.

Saturday we spent the day getting ready for the open house Brad wanted to have today. I cleaned like I haven't cleaned in months. I made Brad take us to dinner because we were not going to make a mess in a house I had worked so hard to clean.

My morning started pretty easy. Brad's did not. He woke up at 6:30am with me jumping on him and screaming because I had seen a mouse run across our bedroom floor. I am terrified of mice. I understand that we are bigger than they are. I understand that they are more afraid of us than we are of them. I understand that they are not going to hurt us. My fears are irrational...but that only makes them worse! Brad did go to Wal-Mart right then and get traps, but we have yet to kill the mouse. While Brad was gone, I convinced Eli that he had to protect me by banging a hockey stick on the floor and the wall and make a lot of noise to scare the mouse away. He was very good at it. I tried to get to Home Depot today to buy poison and those outlets that emit the high frequency sound that makes all the mice run for the hills, but it wasn't in the cards. It explains why I am blogging on the couch with Brad's laptop instead of at the computer cabinet...that's where I saw the mouse!

After church we had a "Back To School Picnic and Carnival." Very fun. Very hot. Eli got his face painted with a Batman mask that he proceeded to wear all day long. We were stared at a lot. Brad headed back to the house to do our open house and then the kids and I headed to Sonic, Toys R Us, and Target all before we were supposed to back at church at 4:30 for a meeting. I didn't make it. In all this running around, I lost my phone. Apparently, I have very bad luck with cell phones...especially ones I like alot. I retraced all my steps, talked to countless employees, cried all the way to church because I knew Brad was going to kill me, and then found it stuck between the seats when I got to church. It was all very emotionally draining. And just when I think that Eli could survive very well without me and all he really needs is his dad, he says something that makes me realize that he does love me. I might have inadvertently said, "Your dad is gonna kill me." To which he replied, "No, I won't let him! I'll wrestle him to the floor and tell him that he can't kill you!" Sometimes it doesn't take much to warm the cockles of my heart!:)

I guess now it's time to go to bed. I hope I can sleep because the mouse is in our room and I'm worried that a)I'll see or hear him again or b) I"ll hear the trap go snap! I'm not sure what I am going to do tomorrow, though.

Accessory of the Day

Yeah, those are Brad's tighty-whities.