Test Day

I have two tests scheduled for today. A CT scan at 9am and an MRI at 1pm. We prabably won't know any results until the middle of next week at the earliest. Both tests have to be read and then sent to Dallas and Boston for the doctors there to look at and evaluate. While I'm not looking forward to either test (the stuff I have to drink for a CT scan is the most vile stuff on the face of the Earth), it shouldn't be too hard of a day. Thanks so much for thinking of me! Oh, our time on our computer keeps defaulting back to an incorrect time. I posted this early, but not that early! :)

Life On Hold

I feel like my life is on hold. Or “paused” as Eli would say. When we left Boston, we were so excited that they had told us to “live life.” We didn’t know that living life was impossible with cancer constantly looking over your shoulder at everything you do, playing a part in every decision you make, making itself a presence in every single day. It’s hard for our family to move on or look ahead because of the absolute uncertainty. Can you imagine your life with no future plans? Instead of purposefully making goals for our family we wait around for the next big, bad thing to happen or the next round of tests or the next doctor’s visit. Our calendar is empty after December…it’s about as far in advance as we feel like we can plan. Even thinking about Christmas is hard. I usually love all the planning, all the giving, all the family, all of it. It adds a new level of heartache to try to plan a holiday that your children will really remember because you don’t know how many you have. We have been told time and time again to “live for today.” It’s good advice. Really it is. But living only in today is kind of dreary and tiring. I know that each day is a gift and I have been blessed with each and every one that I get to spend with Brad and Eli and Phoebe. I just feel like it puts so much pressure on each day and I don’t have the energy to make every single day meaningful and rich and full for my children.


Maybe I’m just tired. I’m tired physically and emotionally and spiritually. I’m tired of the dishes and the laundry and the picking up. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay. I’m tired of feeling like everyday is wasted. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of wrestling with my faith everyday. I’m tired of seeing myself for who I really am and realizing that I am so far from the heart of God that I don’t know if I can spend eternity in a place where I feel like a stranger. I’m tired of missing my children’s childhood because I am so worn out that all I can do is lie in bed. I’m tired of feeling like my marriage is hollow because we are scared to talk about what might happen. I’m tired of the things that I truly enjoy being a burden because they interfere with what I think I should be doing. I’m tired of people telling me that I’m doing too much. I’m tired of secretly feeling like I am. I’m tired of aching muscles and a quesy stomach and irritated skin and swollen eyelids. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing my children because Eli doesn’t know his letters and Phoebe never has any tummy time.

Maybe I should just take a cue from Eli and go to bed at 7:30. Gotta love those days when he doesn’t take a nap.

My Husband's A Hero and Other Stories

Yesterday afternoon we had a brief thunderstorm. Since we live West Texas, any kind of rain causes the streets to flood...especially in the older neighborhoods like where we live. Last night after dropping Eli off at church and heading back to the house for Huddles, Brad drove across an especially deep dip in the road in front of our house. Something moved in the rushing water. He pulled over to investigate and saw it was a very tiny, very waterlogged black kitten that was about to get run over because it was in the street. He picked it up and brought it home. At this point, he just left it outside. In his mind, he had saved it from drowning so his duty was done. (I could go into a "church" analogy here, but I won't.) I told him he had to bring it inside so we could figure out what to do with it after Huddles. After all, you can't save a cat from drowning and squishing just to let a dog eat it. When Eli got home from church, he was enamored with the kitten and the story. After Brad told him what had happened, he said, "You saved it?! From drowning?! You are a HERO!" Brad was beaming. Then we figured out that the cat was REALLY tiny and couldn't eat solid food. Great. I spent the evening feeding it with a medicine doser. I put up some really fancy homemade posters this morning, but nobody called. I even took it to KU today, kept it in my classroom (in a box), and fed it all day long. Eli told his teachers that now we had two babies at our house. He named the kitten "Pickle." Now,I am not a cat person. I'm really not much of an animal person in general so there was really no way we were keeping this cat. Thankfully, a friend (who is much kinder than we are) asked around at work and found a new home for the baby kitten. I dropped it off this afternoon and I feel pretty good about myself.



Funny Phoebe story of the day. Yesterday morning I made some cupcakes for Eli to take as snacks for school. I told him he could have one since we had a few extra. He took a few bites and then had to walk away for some terribly important reason. This is what he found when he got back.



Don't be fooled by the innocent face. She had chocolate on her hand and her bottle. She didn't eat any, though. I guess after she decimated the cupcake, she wondered what all the hype was about and moved on to other more interesting things.

Sittin' Pretty

Look who sat up by herself yesterday! She only sat up for a minute or so (long enough for me to take about six pictures), but it was very exciting.

Just A Typical Sunday Night

Last night, I told Eli to go get dressed so we could go to small group. Here's what he thought was appropriate.



A man in our small group makes THE BEST ribs. He and his wife weren't there, but they dropped some off on their way to another event. I think Phoebe liked them!

Are You Ready For Some Football?

In answer to that question, no, I am not. I'm not much of a "sports fan." In fact, I don't really enjoy them at all. Unfortunately, the boys in my house are huge sports fans...all kinds! Since football season just started we are all about football. Brad is in a Fantasy Football League. (I heard a quote the other morning on the radio that Fantasy Football is the Dungeons and Dragons for football fans. So true!) That means that not only does he watch his favorite team, Dallas Cowboys, he has to watch all these other teams to keep up with his Fantasy Football Team. And he has to have a computer nearby to keep track of I'm not sure what. It's all very confusing and boring to me. This year, Eli is getting into the act. He watched the games with Brad the last few times they were on. Then he decided that he and Brad needed to go play their own game of football in the yard. Here are some pictures of that riveting game.




I had a hard time getting the tackle pictures. It would have made good blogging though. This morning, Eli asked if I could go outside and play football with him. Uh, wrong parent, dude. Want to go bake some cookies, instead?

Pretty In Pink or A Precious Princess

After writing the above title, I decided that all pictures of Phoebe could be titled that so I added a little more. Since Eli is so much personality stuffed into one little body, he seems to get a lot more blogging time than Phoebe. Not because she isn't precious and priceless and absolutely perfect, but because she just doesn't do anything. So here's a blog for my little princess.

She grins. Of course she smiles too, but her grin is my favorite. I can't describe it, but sometimes she looks at you with a grin that says, "All is good with my world and I love you." Can't really catch it with a camera, though, because the light from my camera makes her smile her big gummy smile (which I also love).

The girl loves food. Not formula. Real food. It all started when Brad let her suck on his steak at Family Camp. Now, she can't get enough. She loves baby food (peaches are her favorite), her pacifier dipped in ranch dressing, green beans (the real ones), icing from lemon cake (ask her Nena)...anything! Maybe she'll be a foodie like me.

She's lazy. I mean this in the kindest sense of the word. She would rather you do all that you could for her. She loves to be held. She loves for someone else to hold her bottle. She doesn't like to sit up. She doesn't like to turn over (except when she's asleep). I remember Eli at this age and he was all over the place. She is just content to sit with her mommy. What a treat!

She is a MOMMY'S GIRL! I am so excited because Eli was always a daddy's boy and I always felt a little left out. I am Phoebe's favorite person and I love it. The other day at church, a friend was holding her and she looked at me, looked back at my friend, looked at me, and started to cry! While it was the most pitiful little cry you ever did see, it warmed the cockles of my heart.

She loves her toys. If she has a toy in her hand, she's a happy camper. She likes rattles and stuffed animals and dolls and keys and mommy's jewelry and anything else she can get her hands on. Her pink piggy is her favorite. We took it to church this morning and Brad was entertaining another little baby girl with it during class. Phoebe got a little jealous and started to pout and cry a little. Pretty funny.



Isn't she just beautiful?

The First Day of School

Kid University started on Tuesday and is off to a great start. Eli seems to be enjoying Pre-K...although he has been in time-out everyday. His teachers say he is so much fun and is going to do great, but they are friends of mine so either they're lying or they're just going to try really hard! :) Phoebe seems to enjoying Nursery School, as well. Mostly she just sleeps. She probably thinks KU is the lap of luxury because her teachers rock her to sleep before her naps...something I don't do. Here we are ready for our first day of school.

Eli on his first day of Pre-K.


Ready for school! You'd never know that just seconds before this picture was taken we were running around like roosters with our heads cut off trying to get to school on time. We made it, though.


Phoebe is so excited!!


Just a sweet picture of Daddy feeding Phoebe her morning bottle.


Just so you know, she is NOT helping Brad hold her bottle. She seems to think that is not her job and when you try to "help" her do it, she just give you a "Are you crazy?" look. Phoebe is also the S L O W E S T eater I have ever seen. Usually she doesn't even finish her bottle because we look up and it's been 45 minutes. I can't imagine what she'll be like when she's two!

A few more pics...

Just thought I would post a few more pictures of our trip to CO. Whenever we go on a vacation like this, Brad and I sometimes wonder why God brought us together. Here's why: while we were on the top of the mountain, hiking, on Sunday I decided to check in with my parents because it was the only place in all of Pagosa Springs that my cell phone would work. They were eating lunch at Petrizzio's (sorry about the spelling) in Highland Park Village. It's an Italian food restaurant that has been there for 30 years or so and it is absolutely wonderful!! They had spent Saturday at First Monday in Canton (a gigantic flea/antique market) with my brother and sister-in-law and seeing a movie. Let me just say that although I love to sit around and read books all day, my parents weekend is really what I would have loved to do. This last weekend was the epitome of what Brad loves to do. Sigh. Our dream vacations never match. At least we don't take that many! :) Enjoy the pics!!

The "big fish" capture!


Eli was really a big help...you know, falling in the water and all.


My favorite pic of the whole trip!!


The boys were pretty proud of themselves after their first catch.





This was a giant zucchini that Brad's mom gave us before we headed up to CO. I haven't actually done anything with it yet because once I cut into it we will be eating a lot of zucchini bread, fried zucchini, grilled zucchini...


Eli took this picture of us on top of the mountain. At least this way I wasn't worried about him falling off the edge. Seriously, I had a few mini heart attacks because he would get really close to throw a rock. And yes, Phoebe is wearing a bow on top of the mountain. A girl has got to have standards!


Here's a man not afraid to wear a sling! I got really tired so he had to take over.


Brad and Eli running on the mountain. Eli kept it up longer than his dad. Go figure.


What Phoebe spent most of the weekend doing.


Not too many pics of me because I spent most of the weekend sleeping, reading, or cooking. All things I really enjoy, but not really picture worthy. Just be impressed I went on the mountain with Brad!

Ahh....Pagosa Springs, Colorado!

We are in beautiful Colorado this weekend. My friend and former client Jimmy (does anyone have a good place to dove hunt next weekend? Jimmy asked and I need to return the favor if possible) has a very lovely house in Pagosa Springs that sits on the San Juan river north of town. We came here last year on Labor Day and had a blast. Jimmy was nice enough to allow us to use his house again this year. Those of you who know me well know that if I could live anywhere in the world it would be in Pagosa Springs. My love affair with Pagosa began when I was in high school and my dad would bring me and my brothers up here to go fishing in the wilderness. We also spent a few Christmas here over the years skiing, snowmobiling, and just enjoying life.

Anyway, enough about my nostalgia about my upbringing and on to Eli's. This is our first attempt at posting a video. I took these two videos on my camera phone and beamed them to my computer for posting. Because it was on my camera phone the phone was cutting my video off at 16 seconds. So, here are two videos I just took of Eli catching his first fish. Technically, I caught it but he reeled it in. Eli has a problem keeping his hook in the water! Anyhow, because I was videoing and helping, you don't get the "whole" video. Nonetheless, it is pretty funny. My favorite part is Eli yelling to me for help!

Eli recounted the catching of this fish to Jordan about an hour after we caught it this afternoon. "I caught a fish and it was bigger than the house...I pulled it out of the water and it landed on top of me. "It was a whale, so we had to put it back in the water." Actually, you have to catch and release in this subdivision...a rule I didn't know last year and later learned caused a stir in the neighborhood since I caught and ate four. This year there are plenty of signs to remind me! This probably explains why I probably caught the biggest rainbow of my life yesterday afternoon when we arrived. I will post pictures later as they were taken on our camera and we don't have a way of getting the pictures off until we get home.

Here are some pictures taken today (Sunday) from my camera phone.

Brad