Utterly exhausted in all areas. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.
Did I mention it was only the second week of school?
School started and so did early mornings, twice a week baseball practices, ballet lessons, homework, PTO responsibilities, Huddles, breathing treatments (since both kids are apparently trying to get bronchitis), Brad's out-of-town meetings, baseball games...you get the idea. I guess I thought I'd have a little more time to ease into things.
Then there's Eli. He's pushing and fighting against everything all day long. Again.
Not getting ready on time, instead lying in bed looking at a book.
Telling me he took his medicine when he didn't.
Pitching a wall-eyed tantrum any two-year-old would be proud of when told to drink his cough medicine.
Riding his bike in the driveway instead of getting in the car for school making us leave late.
Acting crazy and annoying and loud at Chick-fil-A at the Huddle kick-off.
Tackling a boy at church when he walks in the door after I reminded him to "be calm" not two minutes before.
Running away from me when I told him it was time to leave when church was over.
Not telling me he had homework until we pulled into the driveway at 9:00pm after church.
Telling me he'd brushed his teeth, and then telling me he just didn't use enough toothpaste when I called him on it.
It makes me want to yell at him, "Why can you not just do what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it?! Are you really this selfish?! Do you disrespect everyone around you this much?! Do you like spending your day in trouble and irritating your friends?!" But I don't...by the grace of God. Really. I just ground him from the Wii (again) and add even more chores to his never-ending list of "community service".
Then I head off to bed (and blog, apparently), tired and defeated and crushed by the guilt of screwing up (again). The things I listed look like the normal behavior of a nine-year-old boy, but they're not. I watch his friends. They don't do these things. Disgusted with myself and my lack of patience and resolve...questioning God and His wisdom with entrusting me with this child when things get a little hard. Dreading the next day before I even go to sleep because it will just be more of the same making me tired. Waking up tired with the burden already settled on my shoulders before I've even had my first cup of coffee. Knowing that I'm going to fail again because I cannot figure out what motivates him to act the way he does in the first place or find the words or reasons to make him want to change. It makes me tired.
And it's still only the second week of school.
Why do I write this? Maybe just to put it out there. Maybe to find a little solidarity among all the other tired moms. Maybe hoping that someone will know what to pray for me because I'm too tired to pray for myself and my child. Maybe just to have something to look back on when things even out a little. I just don't know...and I'm too tired to figure it out.
6 comments:
You are not alone in feeling this way and you are doing a great job! I read the Love and Logic book and it changed my world and my son's too. You have probably heard of it, but if you haven't tried it yet, you might give it a go. It really makes sense and teaches kids responsibility. You have to be willing for him to fail and suffer consequences, though. :)
Jordan, thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. Parenting is not for the weary, that's for sure. As I was reading this, I found myself nodding in agreement and I felt my heart aching for you. I, too, have a very difficult child. My daughter, although different from Eli, is very tiring with her behavior. She is a control freak like none other. And a fit thrower. And she's 4. And when you put it all together, it's ugly...very ugly, and embarrassing, and frustrating, and disappointing, and tiring! There are so many days that I feel like a failure, like I'm just not doing something right to help her. I will be in prayer for you and know that you are not alone in these feelings.
Jordan, Every mother has felt like a failure. YOu love your children so much and that makes it hurt so much more when you can't find the answer you need. Praying for Godly wisdom and the leading of the Spirit as you search for the right words and actions to help Eli on this journey you and your family are taking. - Kay
Appreciate you sharing your heart and know there are many of us who have felt the same way. Thankful for new mercies every morning.
Get some help...put the oxygen mask on yourself...before you put it on someone else. You are doing what you know to do ...get some other ideas...not from friends or even church....impartial...professional...help to build your "muscles".
My son, who is much younger and hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD (even though I feel certain he will be one day), acts much like your son. I could have written this post, and can relate to your frustration and worry and guilt.
The other day, I saw something about sleeping and ADHD, which I thought was interesting. You may already know about the correlation between sleep and ADHD, but I hadn't heard of these studies before. If nothing else, it may be something to bring up at his next dr.'s appointment. Here is a link to an article about it: http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-sleep-disorders
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