It reads (and I'll do a little translating):
"My life has been hard and easy. My sister Phoebe is 4 years old. Her friends are nice but Phoebe is mean and bossy. My mom is 33. She's kind of mean but usually nice."
Posting this makes me a little nervous for a couple of reasons.
First, I'm afraid you'll see just how hard it is for him in the writing/spelling area and how far behind he is. I feel that, at almost nine, his writing ability is closer to that of a young first grader. It breaks my heart. I can only see how much I haven't done for him in this area. To be honest, I don't always work as hard on this with him as I should because we just end up going round and round. Which leads me to the other reason I'm nervous.
Second, the last few weeks have been especially hard between Eli and I. I find myself constantly pushing him and pushing him to do more, behave better, exceed expectations. I'm a LOVE AND LOGIC failure because I know the consequences of his mistakes will not be enough to make him change. I know my boy. I know how he thinks, how he operates. I know what he's capable of. So I push and I push and I push. I can't let anything go because there are so many things he needs to work on. Especially the last few weeks. I keep thinking that this too shall pass, but I'm praying that it passes soon. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I want to enjoy my child again. I want to want to spend time with him. I want to, at least once, be the fun, understanding parent. But someone has to address the disobedience, the disrespect, the bad attitude, the social awkwardness, all the things that should be a thing of the past but we are still working on them.
And if anybody tells me I'm doing a great job or that Eli is awesome and wonderful and amazing or anything else that might be encouraging, I might throw up. It's not how I feel and, apparently, neither does Eli.
11 comments:
Well then get ready to throw up because he is awesome as are you.
The fact that I can actually READ what he wrote is great and it makes sense.
Love you both!
Thank you for sharing because it helps others like me who are going through the same struggles with our child understand that we are not alone. Thank you.
Knowing something doesn't mean you necessarily feel it. We still struggle with some of these things with Teen - specifically the behavior things. It is tiring to have to be vigilant all the time. I often feel like the 'mean parent'. But I know that Teen and Eli are great kids, and that you and I are doing what we can for our kids - even if we don't always feel it.
You are not alone in your feelings. Everyone has great expectations for their children. I can't help but think of Mr. Holland in the movie Mr. Holland's Opus, who dreamed of his son becoming a great concert pianist, only to find out that his son was deaf. Just like your deep affection for literature and God given gift of writing, one would assume these things would come naturally to Eli. However, due to circumstances beyond your control they don't. That's okay. It doesn't mean he won't ever write well, and that he IS capable of learning to love it. Mr. Holland found a way to relate music to his son Cole through lights, vibrations, and sign language. There was an obvious power struggle that existed between them, but in the end a very capable adult who had a genuine bond with his dad.
SO OFTEN my own flesh gets in the way of what God can do through me and through my kids. It's a constant lesson I'm learning. The release of my children, my expectations for them, my limitations, as well as theirs, and place them into the care of God. I have experienced when I don't, I'm allowing Satan to rob me of comfort and peace that can come in the midst of a storm.
Motherhood IS a ministry, and my personal opinion is that people who are effectively ministering will face numerous trials. One reason being, so that they are even more effective in the calling God has placed on their life. In the words of Paul, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God". (2 Cor. 1:9)
I just love how transparent you are Jordan. Thank you for being such a great example to so many of us. Praying for you and that God will surround you with His promises and truth. Hang in there!
I'd just like to point out that he DID say you are mostly nice! I'm not sure my kids would say that lately! ;)
Jordan,
Eli sounds like most little guys his age. Enjoy every moment, every second, every day. Life is too short. P.S. You are amazing.
I have a friend who has a son and is struggling with almost the exact same issues. She mentioned to tell you that they use the dragon dictation app at home for papers and such which has alleviated a lot of stress for them both.
Also, you inspire me so much through this blog. My husband have been through so much trying to have a child for the past 2 years, and I only hope I am as good of a mother as you when God decides the time is right.
Can I just say that I am with you on the whole Love and Logic thing? Is it my need to control EVERYTHING that makes me feel like natural consequences just won't work?
Honestly, I have been having some really big issues over here with discipline as well. Big. Huge. The kind that make me feel like a complete failure and an idiot. My lack of blogging as of late is all tied into as well.
I just continue to pray for my son's heart, for his character and for mine. Parenting is really no fun most days, huh? Wouldn't it be great if it were all happy times at the park and shopping for cute clothes?
Anyway, know you are not alone. My kids told me just this week that I was mean and it hurt my feelings so terribly bad. Praying for all of you!
Hey there,
Kids..what are you gonna' do?
Love you, see you soon.
Dad
Jordan, I agree with Holly about motherhood being a ministry, and about moms and our expectations for our children. My two are grown men now and I have grandchildren. I still feel the same way about what my expectations are for my sons and my grandchildren. I can see the path they are on, I know where it leads, I want to protect them from the consequences and "give" them the perfect life. HOWEVER...! One thing I learned, too late, is that each of us has to learn to bear the consequences of our actions, or non-actions as the case may be. The younger a child is when he or she learns to accept the consequences of their behavior and the lessons involved, the better. The younger they are, the consequences are not so dire. I didn't give my children the opportunity to suffer the consequences, because I wanted everyone to know how special they were. I didn't want them to "mess up" and let someone see that they weren't perfect. As they got older, they eventually HAD to learn about consequences, and by then the consequences were more severe. I see in you such a strong heart and desire for both your children, and I admire all you do to try to give them a truly wonderful childhood. Your situation with Eli is a little like when you are having a bad hair day, and someone tells you how great your hair looks - because they don't know what you want it to do that it is not doing. From the outside looking in, we see a fantastic mom and a cute, spirited, 102-percent-boy. And really, you wouldn't want him to be less than 102% boy! If you can let go of your "vision" for Eli and allow him to show you his "vision" of himself, you will feel less stress and he will be less frustrated. Other than things that relate to safety and respect for others, ask yourself if something will really matter in six months - if not, it's okay to let that battle go and wait for a more important one. I REALLY wish someone had told me this when my children were young, and given me permission to be less than the perfect mother I expected myself to be. I love you and your family, and I'm praying for your struggle. And, you really are a good mother!
Wanda
How did Eli feel about you posting that note you "FOUND" on his bedside table.
Respect Goes Both Ways...
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