Another Reason Why Being A Mom Is Hard

As if there were not enough already! Brad and I have been thinking alot lately about when to send Eli to school. His birthday is June 10th (by the way, that is also our anniversary...just in case anyone cared it was still our anniversary) and since he was born, we've been asked (and asked ourselves) whether or not we would hold him back a year from kindergarten. It's a valid question. At first we decided not to make any decisions and just see who Eli turned out to be and what our situation was at the time. Since then, we've decided to hold him back a year. There has been a lot of prayer and advice-seeking and we feel pretty good about our decision. The reasons for holding him back are many. He's somewhat immature...especially compared to boys born in September or November. I don't want him to be the one rolling around on the floor with a pencil stuck in his nose during calendar time. He's not so great at the academic stuff. I'm holding judgement on whether it's because he's not interested or if he's just "average" developmentally. If he starts reading tomorrow, we might reconsider. He's on the slight side of weight and height. I want him to have the advantage in sports because he is so talented in the way he moves and controls his body. I don't want him to be the only boy going on to school when so many boys who have summer birthdays are held back nowadays. I want him to enjoy school, I want him to excel. Which brings me to my dilemma. Why do I want him to excel? The easy answer is because he's my child. I love him more than I could ever imagine...in a way only parents can love their children. I want him to feel good about himself. I want him to be really good at something. I don't want him to fail or hurt even though I know it is inevitable. I want him to have the "leg up." All of those seem to be very valid reasons. No one would doubt or even question them...which leads me to doubt and question them. I have come to the realization that if something comes natural to me as a human, as a woman, then more than likely it is opposite of who God is calling me to be as a disciple. He calls us to serve. He calls us to love. He calls us to be humble. He calls us to set apart. He calls us to put ourselves last...even when it comes to our children! I am having a very hard time reconciling these two parts of myself. If He calls us to be all these things, then fighting so hard to make my child "the best" cannot be a part of it. Of course I want Eli to be the very best Eli he can be, but is that really what I want...or do I just want him to be the best? Do I want him to "act" in a way that is Christian (therefore showing the world what great parents we are and what a great child we have) or do I want him to "be" Christ-like in all that he is and does, but maybe not so successful in the world? Is giving him "the leg up" telling him that it's important to be really good at what you do or is it merely a mother wanting what's best for her family? Is wanting the very best for your child un-Christ-like because we are not called to have the best, but to give our best? I don't know the answers. Sometimes it is very clear to me that in our society we are expected to, as parents, to push and push and make sure our children are prepared for success, for leadership. These are the parents who are praised. These are the parents who have "done it right." Even Christians fall into this so easily because it's our kids. We can deny ourselves, but not our children. In those moments, I know that it is not what we are called to do. Then I look at Eli and Phoebe and I begin the justification of why I am pushing them so hard, why I want for them something that I am trying so hard not be in my own life. Being a mom is freakishly hard, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why we all want it so badly! We will still hold Eli back a year, but not without covering him (and us) in prayer. Most of the time I feel confident that this is where God is leading us...but I haven't stopped questioning my motives. I'll still pray about it often and hope that God will give me peace and reassurance (and maybe some answers) as it's needed.