Our Sunday School has been spending the last few weeks telling stories...our own personal stories. It started because the shepherd couples (they get mad when you call them the "old" couples) thought it would be a good idea to share their life stories so that we would know and understand them a little better. I loved it and I know others did too because when it was time to find the next topic to study, several of us suggested that everyone in class should tell their stories. As one woman said, "This is the story that God has written you in," and it has been amazing. Well, this morning, as one couple was sharing their story, I thought of the song "Refiner's Fire." This couple was talking about the divorces, the heartaches, and the deaths that they had experienced. In the very next breath, they both stated how blessed they knew they were. It make me think of the hurt we have to endure and how it shapes us into who we are. Everyone endures hurt. It is a common thread we all share. Hurt is what shows us who we really are. It gives us a clear look at our hearts. Not everyone's is the same, but everyone is walking around hurt. Well, guess what song we were singing in worship that morning. "Refiner's Fire." It's not a song I know anything about or really have any emotional connection to, but the chorus stood out.
Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.
Here's my confession. I do not like to be refined. I do not like to be held over the fire and made into what God has planned for me. It's hot. It hurts. Sometimes I think this past year He has held me over the fire and only taken me out to beat me with a very heavy metal mallet. There are other times in my life when I've felt the same and each time I think, "Well maybe I've learned what He was trying to teach me." (Please do not read into this that I think God makes terrible things happen. I don't. We live in a fallen world where fallen people have to endure what's been created. I do believe that God can use all of that "fallenness" for His Kingdom...another post, another time.) Apparently, there are too many things that I have to discover about my broken, selfish heart for one period of refinement to cover it. Maybe that's what I really don't like about refinement. I don't like to get a clear picture of my heart and take a good look at all the things I can usually just shove into one tiny corner while the rest of me presents only that which I want to present. I enjoy complacency. I like routine. The status quo is fine with me. I like my emotional baggage to match and be shoved in the closet that no one ever sees. It makes me realize that no matter how hard I try, in my heart of hearts, my one desire is not to be like Him. I want to want to be like Him, but I think I'm too selfish, too untrusting, too stubborn to genuinely want that. Maybe if my heart were to change, then maybe the fire wouldn't be so hot or unbearable.
Next Sunday, Brad and I tell our story. Of course it will be full of all the things about us that make use who we are. Maybe it will even show a little of myself that I keep hidden. Maybe it will just be a good story. Whatever anyone else takes away from my life story, I know that I am blessed. I still desire to want to know Him deeper (whether I'm ready to take on what hurt that brings or not)and that is a blessing in and of itself.
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6 comments:
Jordan you are so great. I love getting to know you more and more each day. Thank you.
Jordan, I have learned more from you than you will most likely ever know. You have a gift to be able to express yourself so well.
Hey there,
As I was reading your thoughts, it occurs to me that none of us enjoy the process. We simply trust that the end result has value. Unfortunately in our world today there are certain concepts that the world does not value. Honor, integrity, character are all just old fashioned ideas, having long since outlived their usefulness. But God claims they have value in His kingdom, and the only way to get them to exhibit themselves is to be tested. Remember that the gold already in the ore that is refined, but it has to be revealed. I don't remember where I heard it, but the idea was that pain does not build character, it simply reveals the character that is already there. I beleive that, and I believe that God has a purpose for people of character. You are one of those people, as is Brad, as are those little ones you are raising.
Hang in there, we love you.
See you soon,
Dad
You have such a gift of words. I love reading your blogs. :)
Thanks for speaking your heart.
You are a precious friend, I learn from you all the time.
That is so neat that you are sharing your stories in class. What a neat time for all of you to become close. I miss everyone so much, we don't have a group here like we did in Amarillo. I love living somewhere smaller. I told Casey the other day that I wanted to move back to Amarillo, but who knows. We will see where God takes us. Have a great week!
What your dad (my old friend) says reminds me of something I believe is attributed to Michelangelo, who described the process of sculpting a statute of -- I forget exactly what, but let's say, a horse -- as simply "chipping away everything that is not a horse".
This combines in my mind with a thought from C.S. Lewis's mentor George MacDonald regarding the latter's exposition of Revelation 2:17, i.e., that God will give each of his believing children who "overcomes" a unique, descriptive name which tells who he or she now is (in Heaven).
Further, the bestowed name will only be known by God and the one so named; therefore we each (says MacDonald) in the most real way, will have an individual relationship with our Heavenly Father to enjoy forever.
So I have an image in my mind of that Refiner's Fire of which you wrote, Jordan, burning away all that is not what God had in mind for us when He created us, until finally, as MacDonald says, we become the true self upon which God then bestows our intended "Name".
Whether I'm right or wrong in these opinions, I do hope that my thoughts might afford you some measure of comfort or hope, for we care about you and your family, Jordan. And we keep you all in our prayers.
In Him,
Mark & Julie
There's a book my sister sent to me a while back called "On the Anvil." I know I've been there several times already. Now, being able to look back over the last 30 odd years or so, I have a perspective and see how things have worked together. I'm truly amazed. Read the book.
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