Now what?

Brad here.

Sorry for the delay in posting since we arrived home from New England. We drove back into town on Tuesday evening. Then our home computer quickly proceeded to crash. So, we have been dealing with all of the issues that this has caused.

Today we went to church and many asked how our trip went. We talked a lot about our trip and as a result we have been reflecting quite a bit on it. We realize our last two blog entries were not very thorough but essentially the bare bones facts. We have to admit, this detail wasn't lost on us. In fact, though not intentional I think we wanted to keep the information on this "fact level" and not let you in to our minds or hearts. Why? Well, for one I think we are conflicted. We want to be optimistic and we want our friends to treat us normally so that things "feel normal" too. Second, if we keep our fears and inner thoughts to ourselves then we in some weird way can continue to deny that we have them. Of course, it is these inner thoughts that we dwell on and that overwhelm us. Third, we have no idea how many people are reading this blog so it is partially a "trust" issue. Finally, we don't want to admit that although we are people of "faith", we are afraid of what the future holds.

What does the future hold? Well, we of course don't know. We like all of you have no idea. However, we do know that Jordan has cancer. This is now her third bout of it. Her cancer first appeared when she was 11, came back when she was 21, and is present now. We knew that it was always possible that it would come back. In fact, we were preparing ourselves for it to come back some time soon. So, in some odd way the fact that Jordan has cancer again now isn't much of a surprise. However, expecting something to happen doesn't make the happening any less traumatic when it does happen. Anyhow, back to my point. Yes, overall we had a "good" doctors visit in Boston...but this is relative. Relative to the fact that we don't have any more answers now than when we went. Relative to the fact that we learned that the tumor in Jordan's caudate (sp) lobe of her liver is sandwiched between her portal vein and the vena cave and the surgeons "think" they could remove it but would have to balance the morbidity/mortality risks with the advantages of removal. Relative to the fact that we learned while in Boston that Jordan has one more lesion on her liver than we knew we had making five total (3 in the liver, 1 in her spleen, and something in her lung.). Relative to the fact that the doctors think the tumors haven't shrunk since March but rather only appear as they have since her July scans were done without any other tumors bleeding in her abdomen. Finally, relative to the fact that the surgeons agree that the only way to alleviate the risk of another tumor exploding like happened in March is to conduct the surgery the surgeons "think" they could perform and Jordan live through it.

So, as you can see, despite the news that doctors want us to just keep living our lives while taking Gleevec at our current dosage and see where we are in three more months, we have a lot of worries as we know we are not by any means out-of-the proverbial woods yet. Yes, "living your life" sure beats "there is nothing we can do for you" or "you need immediate surgery", but this is easier said than done. Yet, we are trying. We really are trying. So, for those of you who ask how we are doing and show concern we say thank you. We apologize however for the times when we say things are "fine" and give you less than you deserve.

Please pray for peace of mind. Pray that we can "live our life" without dwelling on all the things that could go wrong. Pray that God continues to give Jordan good health so we can enjoy this season of life and that Gleevec works well enough that no surgery is ever necessary. Finally, pray that this burden is once and for all lifted from us.